Posted by Civilian Revna Freya McKenzie (Diplomatic Attache) in Deck 4 Garden- It’s Who you Know

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Counter-Intelligence Officer) in Deck 4 Garden- It’s Who you Know

Posted by Civilian Revna Freya McKenzie (Diplomatic Attache) in Deck 4 Garden- It’s Who you Know
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Faye exhaled and nodded. “I’m doing the Command Training Program by distance learning, with Captain Cochrane as my mentor. He once painted a really fascinating picture of me as a captain and once the idea got into my head and I really thought about it, I couldn’t get it out. But it’s terrifying. I’m not an easy person to get to know. I don’t let personal crap interfere with my work… most of the time, but I’m still trying to feel like the person a crew would look to for leadership.” She brought one knee up, planting her boot heel on the edge of the bench, hugging her knee. “I don’t want to be some perfectly moulded ideal Starfleet Captain. That’s not me. But I guess now that I’ve really begun to embrace who I truly am now that I will have to give some of that up in order to be accepted and trusted. Silly, right?”

~Faye Calloway

Revna shook her head, “Not at all. In a way the command you will be a little different than the personal you. It is more like one facet of you. You can still be accepted and trusted by being yourself. If you try to be someone you aren’t you won’t get very far in command training, and if you do no crew would trust you. They would see through the pretense. Trust me, I know. And Cpt Cochrane wouldn’t have suggested you could be captain if he didn’t believe you could. I’m going to go out on a limb, based on just our brief conversations, you know you can do it. Otherwise you wouldn’t have enrolled in the program. Finding your ‘command’ voice might take time, but it’s in there. You don’t have to be their best friend or pour your heart out to every person who serves under you. You just have to be fair and open minded.”

Revna McKenzie

Faye snorted. “She says to the Borderline,” she said with a smirk. But it faded fast. “That scares me, you know. I know what Alex would say to me.” She turned her gaze on Revna. “If you haven’t figured out, Alex and I are really close. He’s a brother to me and I’ve been basically accepted by his family as such. And so I respect his pinion enormously, but I do wonder if some part of it is fuzzy a bit because he cares about me. That maybe this is just folly. Do I think people with mental health issues can do great things and be great leaders? Sure, absolutely! But do I think I’m one of those people? I sure as hell want to try, but there is a part of me that fears I’m just being a fool.”

~Faye Calloway

Revna nodded thoughtfully not saying anything for awhile. “Do you think that Cpt Cochrane would sugar coat your mistakes because of your close relationship?” Cochrane didn’t strike her as such but she didn’t know him well. “Or do you think he will give you a fair assessment of the good and the missteps?”

“How much if you fears you are being a fool? And why do you think you are being a fool? What factors make you think that?”

Revna McKenzie

Faye frowned slightly. “Oh, Alex has a thoughtful perspective and I think he’d always tell me the truth as he saw it. It’s why I trust him so much. But I guess there’s that small knowing that we’re not always aware of our blind spots and I guess I don’t want the enthusiasm for my career to blind me to whatever the reality is.” Arm braced atop her knee, Faye fingernail picked at her thumb cuticle.

The rest of the questions were harder to answer because it wasn’t some overly tangible thing. And having to explain it made it the feeling worse. “I know that I’ve changed a lot, that I’ve grown as a person and I’m more level… most of the time. But there is a part of me after I dissociate that think, ‘gods, what idiot would put me in the centre seat. What crew would trust me with their lives when some days I can barely keep my own together? I feel foolish because I know due to the permanency of the damage to my amygdala- thank you Tal Shiar- that I will always struggle with some level of emotional stability and I worry that maybe that makes me a bad candidate.”

~Faye Calloway