—snip—

“I sat in that restaurant, I heard you say that you loved me… and thirty seconds later you tell me you are going to have another man’s child. That you had agreed to it weeks ago. And that the first I heard of it was the night before he arrived. I was…devastated. Not just about the baby…but that is certainly part of it. But what hurt the most…what still hurts the most is that you didn’t say anything to me. Not a word. For weeks and weeks on end.” He turned to look at her, anger competing with pain and no clear winner visible.

It hadn’t been weeks and weeks on end, but it had been long enough for the Ghelfi’s to arrange a contract and arrive at Event Horizon.

“You made a potentially life-changing decision… a decision that directly affects us… and not so much as a warning. It was selfish. It was inconsiderate. And it was wrong not to tell me, Zef. And before you get all high and mighty, I’m not saying you had to ask me… like you need my permission. But you damn sure should have talked to me. Explained it. And not the night before it happened. Not the night before you let someone else ha-” and his voice cracked and he looked away.

Alex

She tried to push her own feelings out of the way and just concentrate on his, but that was impossible—she was too deeply involved. She knew that according to her people, she hadn’t done anything wrong. If she’d been in a relationship with a Bajeen male and told him she’d decided to fulfill a Degansa contract, the male would have been agreeable. He would gain status because of the honor bestowed on his mate.

But that was part of the problem wasn’t it? Alex was not Bajeen…”Do you remember when I told you we didn’t know enough about each other’s worlds and lifestyles? This is what I meant. I didn’t have any idea at the time that this was about to happen, but I knew something eventually would.”

“Then why bother being with me? And yes, some difference did come up. But rather than talk about it, you sat on it and said nothing.”

Zef was grateful to hear her voice was much calmer, but she was still feeling the effects of too much adrenaline. “I’m sorry you feel hurt. If I’d realized the effect my announcement would have on you, I might have made a different decision, but I forgot the human factor.”

—Zef

Alex looked at her, and tears welled up in his eyes.

“But Zef… I am human. You forgot about me. And I don’t ‘feel’ hurt. I am hurt. You of all people should know the difference.” He looked out the window and the tears couldn’t be held back. He didn’t sob, but the tears flowed silently.

“Brom came to see me today, did you know that? He was in my office for less than ten minutes and conveyed more information and empathy about this in that time than you have. And he has never said he loved me, at least that I know of.” and he took a deep breath. He turned and looked at her.

“I thanked him for taking the time to see me. And that I appreciated his efforts to, as he put it, ‘ease my mind’. I told him that I hope the ritual goes well and all of you are happy. And I asked him to make sure you are treated well. So I don’t know what else you want from me, Zef. You want me to be happy for you? I can’t be. How can I be happy knowing that the person I love, the person I want to be with, is heading out to have sex with another man so she can get pregnant and have his child growing inside her for the next almost year? And what if something happens to you, Zef? Has a Bajeen woman never died in child birth? I don’t remember that little tid-bit in the cultural review packet, but I’d be willing to bet they have. What then, Zef? What am I supposed to do then? I lose you for nothing.” His voice cracked and the anguish in it finally came through. All because you chose this, and I wasn’t even allowed to try* to understand it beforehand.” and he looked back out the window.

“You never even gave me the chance to understand. You set me… us… up to fail from the beginning.” he said softly, more to himself than her.

Alex

She sat, stunned, on the couch. He was so hurt…no, so wounded over a decision about timing. Was he saying if she’d told him sooner they would have been able to avoid the pain he felt right now? The counselor in her and all the years of training and experience had failed them—because she’d acted true to her nature as a Bajeen.

With a sadness that held her down, Zef looked over at Alex. “So you don’t believe that I love you, you only believe that I have no real regard for your feelings. Why? Is that what I’ve shown you over the last several months—that I don’t care about your happiness?”

—Zef

Alex chuckled derisively. Whether that was directed at her or inwards was impossible to tell. He looked at her. The tears had stopped and just anguish remained.

“I didn’t say that. But you and I both know that you have held yourself back. Do I believe you love me? Yes, I believe a part of you does. But the entirety of you? You have shared parts of you, but there is always something else… just below the surface… some part of you that you keep locked away from me and from everyone. I’m not stupid, Zef. I know that you have reservations about me… and about us. You’ve never talked about it, and I’ve never pried. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I should have. But all of this? All that is happening right now? All of this is because you made the choice to keep part of you from me.” and he looked away.

“I was told last night that I needed to take my emotions out of this. Look at it as Captain, not as a… a… hell, I don’t even know what I am to you. They said if you were just another crew member, what would I do. So, as the Captain, I am duty-bound to acknowledge this as a culturally accepted practice and not interfere. So I won’t. I told Brom that this morning. But I am struggling to find an equilibrium here, and every second of this is like being stabbed over and over again.”

His head turned to her and a confused look came over his face. “Wait… did you say you spoke to my mother?! What the hell, Zef?!” The surprise and shock in his voice was genuine… and had an edge of anger to it.

Alex

Zef was staring at the glass of scotch on the table in front of her wishing she could toss it back and follow it with another and another. Instead, she shook her head. “Well, as long as we know what’s important in this conversation. This is all about how you feel and how hurt you are and motives and lack of concern you’ve assigned to me. It must be nice to know everything.”

She was finally able to move and rose from the couch. Her presence wasn’t accomplishing anything. Alex was stuck on the fact she hadn’t taken into consideration his Human nature and treated the situation accordingly, but wasn’t it ironic that he was doing the exact same thing to her? She wasn’t human, but he was still faulting her for her Bajeen nature.

Her feet moved of their own accord and headed toward the door, but she turned back. “Oh, and YES, I spoke with your mother. I suppose you want to blame her involvement on me too? Well, you’re wrong. SHE’S the one who summoned me to lunch!”

—Zef

Alex whirled around and looked at her, the anger plain in his voice. “ ‘Blame’ you? Blame you? You’re the one blaming me for being hurt! And the only reasons I’m hurt are because YOU hid really important things from me and you went behind my back to cheat on me! And how am I going to blame you for what my mother did without me knowing, huh? How does that make any sense whatsoever?” He threw his hands up in the air and turned around, his back directly to her. “You are a piece of work, Zef Rollo. A true piece of work. All you had to do was talk to me at the beginning of all of this. Let me know what was going to happen, walk me through it, let me process it. Not ask me for permission… but ask me before it was done for understanding. You say you haven’t done anything wrong.” and he turned and looked at her. “But you have. And I’m not talking about the contract, Zef. At the end of the day, that ritual is between the Bajeen, not me. And like I told Brom… I have no say in this. What I’m not fine with is you hiding this from me. You claim its this great honor! What good it will do for your family! You are so excited and happy to be a part of it! If that was the case, then why would you hide it from me like you were ashamed of it? Or was it me you were ashamed of, having to introduce your ‘human’ to your Bajeen friends? Why wouldn’t you share your joy with me, Zef? Why couldn’t or wouldn’t you tell me, the man you supposedly love, that something in your life was amazing? Because you didn’t want me involved in your life! Because you hide you from me. I want so much to love you, you know that? To be a part… to be the part… of your life like you are for me. But I just don’t think you want the same. You share bits and pieces of you… but keep the rest locked away. You’re a Counselor, so you tell me… is that how to have a healthy relationship with someone? Is that how you show someone you love them?”

Alex

Standing in the middle of the room, she made herself listen. Every word he spoke hit her like a stone. How could he think so little of her when they’d shared so much time together and enjoyed each and every minute? How could he believe she’d purposely deceived him—it just didn’t make sense to her. No matter what she’d said, no matter how she’d tried to explain how he was thinking of it in the wrong context, he just couldn’t get past the treachery and betrayal he’d assigned to her actions. But why had that been his first reaction? She was truly puzzled and floundered for a way to turn the situation around.

“Alex…maybe we need a little more time to process all of this because we certainly aren’t making any headway right now.” Smoothing the gown she wore down the front of her body, Zef was startled to hear the chirp of a comm signal. =/\=Cmdr Rollo, Brom Ghelfi tried to contact you in your quarters. When he couldn’t get an answer, he left a message with the bridge. He would like for you and Captain Cochrane to join him on the Cho’kdar la at 1900 hours. He is waiting for a response. What should I tell him?=/\=

She looked across the room at Alex, the question plainly on her face. “Well?”

—Zef

Alex looked at her for several seconds before saying “If you want me to go, I will. Otherwise, feel free to say I was tied up with a logistical issue and extend my apologies.” He then turned and walked into the bedroom, but left the door open.

Alex

So he would leave her to make excuses for him? That wasn’t happening tonight. =/\=Tell Brom Ghelfi the Captain and I will be there shortly. Rollo out.=/\=

She waited until Alex came out of the bedroom. “They are expecting us as soon as possible. Would you care to share what you and Brom talked about on the way?”

—Zef

Alex had changed into dark gray slacks, black dress shoes, a black shirt that buttoned up but was open at the top three buttons, and a dark gray sport coat. He pulled the coat on and went to the door and opened it, but waited for her to leave.

As they walked, him staying apart from her but close enough he talk low so others wouldn’t over hear. Thankfully most of the crew was either off the ship of working in their departments. “I told you. He came to see me. Asked what he could do to ease my mind about the whole thing. Explained it wasn’t about anything except the child he needed for hereditary rights. I told him I can respect that is they way your people handle such things, humans even used to have something similar, but my people don’t do such things without discussion between everyone who was or could be affected. I told him I probably would have been much less… resistant… to the thought of the pregnancy had I been told about it earlier. But there was no way I could ever be comfortable with the thought of him having sex with you. That just isn’t something I will ever be at peace with. I thanked him for taking the time to talk to me, to explain the meaning and such, and I wished the three of yku much success in the endeavor and he left. Seemed disappointed I wasn’t going to be okay with the thought of him having you like that. Go figure.” and he fell silent as they came to the Security checkpoint.

There it was again—the sex thing. Why was he making such a big deal about what would essentially be a mechanical act?

“Captain. Commander. Have a nice ev-” and the Security Ensign closed her mouth at the looks the two had. The Ensign simply nodded in acknowledgment and Alex walked past and through the docking hatch.

Alex

As they passed through the gate, Zef tried to calm the stress that had overtaken her entire body and mind. She prayed the meeting they were headed for would have a positive outcome, but at this point, she didn’t believe it was possible. Walking next to Alex, separated by only inches, she felt a chasm between them, impossible to span and endlessly deep, and felt foolish because his reaction had taken her by such surprise. She’d thought he might be a little upset for springing it on him at the last minute, but this…this overblown disgust and resentment hadn’t even entered her mind.

In fact, ALL of his reactions to the Degansa seemed larger than necessary, but why? Why was he so hurt?

They made it to the Cho’kdar la and were shown to the living room by en employee of the Ghelfis. Brom and Anasera were both their, seated and drinking tea. It left the couch open for Zef and Alex.

There was a short exchange in Bajeen between the two women as they embraced in greeting, but then the conversation switched to Federation Standard while Anasera poured each of them a steaming cup. “Please, have a seat and thank you both for coming.”

—Zef

Alex shook Brom’s hand as the women embraced and exchanged pleasantries. He waited for Zef and Anasera to sit and then took a seat on the couch next to, but not with, Zef. It wasn’t orchestrated on his part, it was a physical construct of the subconscious distance he felt from her. He accepted the tea with a gracious smile and said “Thank you for the invitation. I have never been aboard a Bajeen vessel. The ship’s architecture is fascinating.”

Alex

Zef’s brows furrowed. Our lives are spinning out of control, but by all means, talk about architecture she thought. The tea tasted wonderful—it wasn’t on her restricted purification diet, but they had given to her so she was allowed to have it. That made her wonder why they were serving it and that led her to curiosity about the men’s conversation earlier in the day.

“I understand you and Alex had a visit this afternoon?” Zef turned her attention to Brom.

“Yes, yes we did. Anasera and I were concerned because of the things you said about Alex having difficulty with the ritual, and I thought if we had a conversation about it that I might be able to assuage some of those worries.”

He looked at the two of them seated on the couch and smiled. The tension between the couple was palpable. “He was kind enough to wish us all success with out endeavor, but I did discover a particular point of trouble for him.”

Brom looked at Alex giving him the opportunity to join in and explain.

—Everyone