Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Requiem for a Life

(snip)

When they finally took a moment to catch their breaths, Kodell drew her into a tender embrace. “They won’t understand,” Faye whispered. Hell, she didn’t even understand it.

“No, not likely. We need to be careful to keep it just between us.” A statement but it sounded so much like a plea.

“I’m good at secrets,” she whispered and tilted her head up to kiss him again.

And kisses were where it ended, though as Faye traipsed back to her room a little while later after a long conversation, she felt like she was walking on clouds, or amongst those bright beautiful stars. Finally something felt like it might be okay.

Over the next few months, Kodell and Faye existed in a sequence of stolen moments, tender kisses and intense studying. Ever enthralled by her memory and intellect, Kodell sought to teach her all he could, often learning right alongside her. It was during this time that Faye approached her third year on Orion. Tracken, and everyone associated with it seemed so far in the past. Not forgotten though. Once a year, on the anniversary of the massacre, Faye’s mood became inconsolable and she moved through Ebu Manor like a thundercloud. This year though, Kodell soothed the deep pain and coaxed her into talking about those events. It was like all the pieces of her broken life had fallen into place and she loved him for making it so.

But a few weeks after the anniversary, Kodell’s mood shifted, becoming broody, and it had begun to affect everyone in the house. After one of their study sessions, Faye moved over to the reading nook and sat in Kodell’s lap. With a tender touch, she stroked his bald head. “My broody man, what has you so preoccupied?” she said, drawing a finger along his jaw.

Kodell took her in and sighed, despite the smile he offered. “A few things.” He reached up and took her hand, planting a kiss on her palm. “But you make everything better.” Another kiss. “And I have to keep reminding myself that you’re not a child anymore.”

“No, I’m not.”

“I forget sometimes, because it feels like you’ve always been here, that you might have known more and had either experiences before you came here to me.” Such a polite way of putting it. And despite the things that Faye had lived through, there were parts of her that he recognized as still very innocent. “Or maybe not, but either way I suppose I worry about pushing you before you’re ready.”

Faye peered at him quizzically. “Ready for what?”

At this he grinned. “Ahhh, Faye! There is such a world of pleasure out there. You have no idea how much I want to show you some of it.”

Her breath caught in her chest and her heart thudded hard. “You do?”

He brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers. “Very much.”

“I think I’d like that,” she replied, smiling softly. But rather than match hers, his expression shifted towards something sad, making Faye frown. “Kodell, what is it? You promised to be honest with me.”

Leaning forward, his lips brushed hers for a brief moment before he sat back and sighed. “My beautiful little bird who fell from the sky. All this time I thought I was doing a good thing by plucking you from the ground and bringing you to safety. But I’m all too aware now that I’ve locked you in a cage and then taunted you with knowledge of the galaxy. And now your wings beat against the bars and I’m so afraid soon they will break. And if so I will have destroyed something wonderful.”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

“I know,” he said sadly. “Oh, Faye, you have no idea how terrible it is to feel like you’ve made a horrible mistake and caused perhaps irreparable damage. But try as I may I can’t quite shake the feeling that it would have been worse for you if I hadn’t.”

“Kodell you’re speaking in riddles,” Faye said, feeling her anger starting to simmer. “Tell me what it is you have to say.” He leaned in and kissed her, but Faye didn’t kiss him back this time. He was avoiding the issue. “Kodell…”

“One night? Would you do that? Before I have to set you free?”

Her entire body froze as her mind struggled to compute what he was saying. And then it hit… hard. He didn’t quite phrase it like an ultimatum, and Faye knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t treat her that way. And yet… it felt slightly off. That weird feeling she had had the first time he kissed her returned. “Free? How so?”

“As in, it’s time for you to leave Orion, Faye. You don’t belong here and I never should have brought you here in the first place.”

“You don’t mean that,” she said, her vision blurring.

“I’m not trying to hurt you Faye.” Kodell took her hands in his. “You have no idea how much I have loved having you here. I meant it when I said you see me, in ways others will never. And I see you. Which means I have to do right by you now and send you back to the stars from which you fell. Even if it hurts terribly to do so.”

His voice had gotten calmer and Faye knew that his mind was made up. That was that. This poor wounded man who craved an intellectual equal was giving her the chance he couldn’t have. But he wasn’t offering her a choice in the matter. It was as good as done. She leaned in and kissed him briefly before whispering. “We’ll have to make it a memorable farewell then.”

“I’m glad we’re in agreement,” he said. “I have to leave tomorrow for a business trip but I’ll only be gone a few days. After I return though…” Faye nodded and Kodell pulled her in closer, kissing her deeply.

The days while Kodell was away passed in a blur and Faye felt outside her body. It was like walking through water- you could try to move fast but you couldn’t.

“Faye! Pay attention before you burn down the house!” Linella said, rather exasperated as she stepped in to tend to the pan on the stove that had begun to smoke.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

Linella just sighed and shook her head, pulling her gently over to the windows that overlooked the kitchen garden. “What is with you lately? Talk to me please?”

Faye lifted her gaze and at first she hesitated to speak, but then it all came tumbling out. Her affair with Kodell (Linella had guessed as much), that she was leaving and the night they had planned.

Linella’s puffed cheeks blew out air. “Oh, Faye.”

“I just… if he wanted to be with me, why couldn’t he just say that and let it be that? It’s like he made a condition or something.”

Linella’s heart ached for the young woman. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but a man like Kodell is used to everything having conditions. Everything in his life is an exchange and he doesn’t know how to give without expecting something in return.”

“I would have said yes anyway.”

“Exactly,” Linella said sadly. “He knows that too. You’d do anything he asked of you, because that is your relationship. Faye, I don’t say this to be cruel, but you need to hear this: you will never be his partner. Whatever special bond you have doesn’t make you his equal in this society. Even if he were to either free you entirely and ask you to stay, or make you his employee even, you’d never be accepted in his circles. And he knows that. You can’t be what he needs.”

Faye glowered at the Trill. “You’re right, it is cruel.” But even she could see the truth in Linella’s words.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I truly am. But I am also with Kodell on this- you don’t belong here and while I’ll be terribly sad to see you go, I’m glad he’s finally realized the truth.”

Faye had hoped her confession to Linella would bring her clarity. Instead it only brought up more questions and left her with a sourness in her stomach.

Kodell returned five days later and Faye made herself scarce at first, avoiding the inevitable. But she couldn’t exactly hide in this house, so when he tracked her down, she gave him a sheepish look as he approached her out in the gardens. “You’re back.”

“I am,” he said as he crouched beside her. “We could put off the inevitable but I don’t think it will make it any easier, do you?” Looking up at him, Faye shook her head. Leaning forward, Kodell kissed her forehead. “Tonight then. After dinner, come up to my suite.”

Faye swallowed. “Okay.”

After dinner, Linella pulled her to her own room and sat her in a chair at the vanity. “Kodell has asked me to help you get ready. He wants it to be special, so he got you a dress.” Faye just gazed at Linella through the mirror as the Trill woman began to brush out Faye’s long dark brown hair. “Faye… have you ever been with anyone before?”

She shook her head. It was silly right? The nervousness that had settled in the pit of her stomach and Faye didn’t know how to voice any of the things she was feeling.

“If you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them…”

Faye turned abruptly. “You would? Really?”

“Of course!”

Faye exhaled in relief. “I have so many!”

Linella chuckled. “Okay, ask away while I get you sorted.”

A little while later, having gotten through the bulk of the most pressing questions, Faye felt calmer about this strange step she was embarking on. Linella had turned her away from the mirror at one point and after helping her into the gown, finally allowed her to see herself.

The woman who gazed back at her made her mouth drop in surprise. So much so, she had to lean into the large mirror to see that it was indeed her.

Her eyes were dark with purple and grey shadows, her long and dark lashes drawing you into the pale depths of her grey-green eyes. Her hair was loose, but curled slightly into luscious waves and as she drew her fingers through her locks they felt soft to the touch.

The gown was something else and she had never worn anything like it before in her life! Midnight blue, it followed the curves of her lean body to the floor and a sheer layer of net overtop was beaded with silver and gold stars. The neckline followed the swell of her chest, tapering out over her shoulders in cap sleeves of net. Small dabs of a floral scent had been placed discreetly.

Faye turned at beamed at Linella. “I don’t know who she is, but she’s kind of pretty,” she joked.

“She is you, you silly girl. And yes, you look lovely.” Linella stepped in and gave her a gentle hug, careful not to muss her hair or makeup. “Now, go to him. He’s waiting. And Faye?”

“Yes?”

“Remember that you get a say in this. It may not feel like it, but tonight of all nights your feelings matter. He’s too good a man to ignore them, so don’t be afraid to tell him if you’re nervous or uncertain. He’ll be good to you.”

Faye smiled warmly at the woman who had become something of a surrogate mother. “Thank you, Linella, for everything.”

“You’re welcome.”

Faye left the woman’s room and made her way up to Kodell’s. A soft knock and she heard his voice bidding her to enter. Faye took a deep breath and entered.

The room was lit softly with candles, fine drink and food off to one side. A fire crackling in the fireplace lent warmth and soft music played in the background. In one of his fine suits, Kodell drew closer to her, his face etched with nothing short of awe. “Wow!”

“Thank you for the dress. It’s very beautiful,” she said softly, his gaze twisting her insides, but this time in the best possible way.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathed. “Breathtaking, actually.” Kodell shook his head in disbelief. Yes, she was definitely the most exquisite thing he’d ever seen. He held out a hand to her.

As they often did, his approving gaze suffused her body with warmth. Taking a deep breath, Faye stepped forward and placed her hand in his, taking comfort in the reassuring expression on his face. Tomorrow would come with its own challenges to tackle, but tonight was just for them and she intended to enjoy it.

{To be continued…}

~Faye Calloway