Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Faye’s Quarters- Treading Water

(snip)

Pointing out to Faye that she wasn’t the only one on the ship who may have walked through dead bodies in her lifetime, or that there were others on the Manhattan who found it very, very difficult to trust anyone, wasn’t going to help her. Zef had to focus on the woman in front of her and the way she saw the world around her. Her mind didn’t work like most others and the counselor needed to keep that thought active in her own interactions with the scientist.

“If you aren’t doing it differently this time, or the time before this, how can you expect dissimilar results?” The question was honest. Sometimes Faye needed the obvious pointed out to her. Yes, she was brilliant in certain fields, but emotions were slippery and difficult for most people, so they were doubly hard for the woman sitting on the other end of the couch.

“Also, if you’re tired trying, then why are we sitting here? If you’re ready to just accept that life and people will always disappoint you, then you will have to make peace with a sad and unfulfilling life. Is that really what you want?”

—Rollo, CNS

Very slowly, Faye shook her head back and forth, as if each gentle swing could solidify the words in her mind. “It’s like I’m making the same mistakes except that I’ve misidentified what the mistakes even are. I can’t change the outcome because I don’t know what needs to be different in the first place. I thought I knew. I thought simply leaning in to my skills and trying this assignment would be enough. And in some ways it has been. The more comfortable I get with how I was raised and letting myself make use of the things I’m actually really good at, the more content I’ve been feeling with where I’m at. But that damn assignment from Intelligence screwed it all up, because it forced me to hide, Zef. It put me in a position to repeat the same old pattern and not just make people suspicious of me, but even I was having a hard time trusting myself.” She inhaled audibly. “I’m not giving up per say, I’m just… I surrender. I’m tired of fighting, and forcing things to work a certain way isn’t working. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but it’s where I’m at.”

~Faye Calloway

It was enough progress for now. Faye couldn’t see the big picture yet, so she wasn’t aware of the progress she’d made, but the counselor was. “Okay. As hard as this may be for you to believe, I understand. This is difficult. The fact that you’re trying to work your way through it tells me what I need to know. Today you say you surrender, but tomorrow you might be ready to fight again. So, this is a good place to stop for the day.”

Was it as simple as that? Pause one day, regroup and fight again? Maybe.

Zef stood and smoothed her clothing. “If I might make a suggestion? Since you journal, have you ever gone back and reread the pages that contain the entries where you keep making the same mistakes? Maybe you should—you might be able to identify a pattern.”

Considering this, Faye nodded. She didn’t have all her journals and it had been a relatively new practice in her life, but there could still be some insights to be gleaned. “I will look into it,” she said softly.

As she walked by Faye, she reached out and touched her shoulder, a small gesture of support. “I’ll be around if you need me.” Rollo headed for the door to let Faye have the solitude she apparently needed.

—Rollo, CNS

“Thank you,” Faye said as Rollo was leaving. There were other days to tackle the hard things she was had swirling around in her brain, but after such a hard night, she was willing to give herself some respite.

~Faye Calloway