Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Captain’s Quarters- If You Can’t Stand the Heat

Posted by Captain Alexander Cochrane (Commanding Officer) in Captain’s Quarters- If You Can’t Stand the Heat

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Captain’s Quarters- If You Can’t Stand the Heat
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Cochrane looked at her and didn’t move except to cross his arms on his chest and look at her. He said gently but with firmness “Faye. Come into the now. Be present here. Focus… you control you, no one else.”

Cochrane

Words. A name, Yes, her name. Her eyes darted back and forth, moving anywhere that would not land on him and yet Alex’s voice pulled at her. A gentle tug. A beckoning. She blinked. And again.

A deep breath ensued before Faye lifted her gaze properly to meet his. “A count to three than we lift, or lift on three. If it’s as heavy as you say it is, let’s be specific so ne of us doesn’t put our backs out,” she said breezily taking a step towards the coffee table.

~Faye Calloway

“Stop, Faye.” he said and held a hand out to her palm first. “Wait.” and he looked at her with concern. “Want to tell me what that was all about?” The question was framed as a question, but there was certain directness in Alex’s voice that said he expected an answer. He wasn’t mad… more like ‘compassionately curious’.

Cochrane

The word stop made her pause mid-step, causing a slow turn back to face him. Hands drawn together, her thumb from one rubbed the side of the other. Finally, with a sigh, she lifted her hands and made air quotes around her first two words. “The distance. It’s like an escape hatch when my mind encounters something it can’t deal with. And unfortunately, because of recent events, there are a lot more of those than before.” Faye shook her head. “I used to be able to keep different parts of my life separate form each other, in little compartments or boxes. I could choose, most of the time, when to open them or not. But it’s like someone has gone into my room and ransacked the place, and everything is everywhere and all mixed up now. And as much as I try to keep it separate, everything that happened has forced all the past stuff to suddenly be so very present. We… we just happened to stumble upon a box I wasn’t expecting to open. A parallel event that should have nothing to do with our evening and yet…” She sighed again.

~Faye Calloway

Alex smiled at her and said “And yet what? And yet it does? But it actually doesn’t. The event isn’t parallel… its past. Similar, sure. But past. And Faye…” and he reached forward and put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed just enough. “The past determines a starting point. The path you take from that point is your choice… and yours alone. I know you have a lot going on up in that head of yours… but always remember that you choose. And if you need help remembering that in the future, then remember this moment as clearly as you remember the others.” He put the other hand on her other shoulder and looked her straight in the eye.

How could she explain? Faye sometimes wanted to scream when people spoke of choice, as if it were this fundamental thing everyone had. Of course she had the ability to choose here, because circumstances allowed for it. She wanted to look away, but with both hands on her shoulders he firmly commanded her attention.

“You are stronger than you look, Faye. But you need to remember that. You are stronger than your entire past. Because your past isn’t what is standing here… you are. Every day you are here… in the present… that is a day that you are stronger than your past. So keep being here… so you can write your future as beautifully as the poems in that book.” He released her shoulders after one slight shake, and then smiled broadly.

“That’s an order.”

Cochrane

It took all of her will power to stay in that one spot and keep her gaze fixed on him. But Faye’s expression shifted. She did not return the smile and in fact it took on an edge of despair. She could be angry here, but that was the wrong emotion. It wasn’t useful. Her even recognizing that was a huge coup in her mind. “What do you think this is, Alex? It’s been less than two weeks since my life blew up. My being here with you, having dinner, sharing a huge piece of my story is being here. It’s what’s giving me more reasons to be here. I don’t choose to dissociate. It’s not deliberate like that. And while there are things I can do that can help stop it from happening, it requires a tiny bit of prescience to know it’s needed. Sometimes crap happens and it happens anyway. But this is what recovery looks like for me. There is so much still that you don’t know about me. This is what living looks like for me. It’s messy and imperfect and you giving me orders to try more, try harder, is not helping! I’m doing the best I can!“

~Faye Calloway

Alex looked at her for a long time, but his expression didn’t harden… in fact he just smiled softly at her.

“First…’ he said softly, “… I didn’t say try harder. I said keep trying. I know you give your all to making sure you continue to work past… well… your past. And I am very, very proud of you for that. And I also know that that takes a huge amount of time. And while I don’t know all of your history, I do know you, Faye Calloway. I know what you are capable of, what you can do when you allow yourself to give yourself over entirely to something. And I know you are force to be reckoned with.” He paused and really looked at her, his blue eyes singularly fixed on hers. “I also know you hurt. A lot. And I will never minimize that. And what I am telling you is that no matter what that hurts causes… fits of anger, trouble connecting with people, dissociation, and walls ten miles thick around you… I want you to know that I know you will get to where you are at peace at some point. Because I know you want to. And I know that when Faye Calloway sets her mind to something… it happens. Period.”

He took a deep breath and then his demeanor shifted slight, became a bit more firm, and he said “And you think your life blew up less than two weeks ago? Bulls&^t, Faye. It hasn’t been less than two weeks since your life ‘blew up’. Its been less than two weeks since you finally realized you have found a group of people who actually care what happens to you. Who are willing to go to the mattresses for you with no regards for their own well being. Who will give of themselves as much as you give of yourself.” He took a step towards her and there was a slow burning fire in his eyes. “It’s been less than two weeks since you asked more of people than you have in I don’t know how long… and they gave it to you. You may have missed it, but it’s actually been less than two weeks since your life finally fell into place and you made huge strides into taking your it back, Faye. It didn’t blow up… it just started.” He reached down and picked up the glass and took a very large drink.

“Now help me move this table because I am going to flip, roll, and shake you until you realize that you get to be happy for a change, godd&^%n it. Even if it’s just long enough for a dance lesson.” and he bent down and put his hands on the side of the table and looked at her.

Cochrane