Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in USS Leyton, 2394- The Enemy You Know
At fifty-two years of age, Commander Liseem Kejsdel was a very experienced doctor of psychology who had studied with no fewer than eighteen different cultures to explore different therapy modalities. She also had been a field agent for a time, so she understood those she worked with deeply. Some days she wished she understood just a little less, but that understanding was what kept her at her job with Intelligence. Someone had to help these officers deal with the fallout of their work- minor or massive.

She wished she was sitting in front of her current client but that wasn’t possible. Instead screens and subspace separated them. And yet, the other woman was surprisingly forthcoming. The file (and what a long one that was) told her a great deal, and she had expected resistance to the discussion. Instead she found quite the opposite.

“What’s the number one issue you’re facing, if you could narrow it down?” Liseem said, her dark eyes watching observantly as Faye’s gaze drifted off to the side of her temporary quarters on the Leyton.

Teeth slipped over her lower lip, slowly letting it release before she sighed. “I suppose it’s that after a year of rehab and therapy I’m afraid I’m still not ready. That even though I’m excited about this new position, it isn’t going to work. I know this is my last chance,” Calloway said.

“Tell me more,” Kejsdel said.

Faye took time to collect her thoughts. “I spent so much of my life hiding who I was, trying to not draw attention to myself in ways that would make people ask a lot of questions I didn’t want to or couldn’t answer. But then once the whole Maquis thing came out, I didn’t have to hide. Or at least as much. I could be good at things that I could then say I learned when I was younger. And I’m really good at certain things. It’s what I’m supposed to do on this new ship. But… if I can’t make it there then I feel like that’s it, I can’t make Starfleet work. I tried. I’ve been trying so hard but isn’t there a point where doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is a sign of insanity?”

She couldn’t help but smile at that. “You’re not insane Faye. And wanting to try again isn’t a sign of something being wrong with you. Nor is hoping it will work out better.”

Faye snorted. “So what is it a sign of then, oh Master of the Mind?”

“Optimism.”

“Ha!” Faye laughed loudly. “You’re hilarious. Or delusional.”

“I can assure you that many people in positions of great knowledge and authority have deemed me entirely sane and capable of helping others discern their own state, Faye.”

Faye leaned closer towards the screen. “I am not an optimist.”

Liseem grinned. “So what is an optimist then.”

“I can give you a dictionary definition…” Calloway quipped. Kejsdel gestured for her to continue. Faye sighed. “An optimist is someone who tends to be hopeful and confident about the success of something or the future. That’s not me, clearly.”

“Ahh, but you said a key word we should revisit. Would it be accurate to say you are hopeful about your new assignment.”

Calloway was quiet for a moment. “I… don’t want to screw it up. That’s not the same as being hopeful.”

Kejsdel studied Faye for a moment. “But you want it to work out, yes?” Faye nodded. “That sounds like a measure of hope to me.” She didn’t expect Faye to view things in a particularly rosy way, nor was that her goal here. If anything the therapist wanted to gauge exactly where Calloway sat within her own spectrum of moods. The reports from Doctor Rinker showed that she had been cooperative in therapy sessions after her escape from the Tal Shair, but they had steered towards the social relationship side of things rather than overtly discussing any of the trauma the woman had faced and still did. That was fine, but Intelligence was placing this woman into another unknown situation that, while far more stable and predictable than the last, still had an element of risk. Before she arrived at her destination, Faye needed to be assessed properly and if needed, Kejsdel would take steps to make sure she was ready, or pull her from the new assignment. It would do no one any favours, especially Faye, to throw her into a situation she wasn’t truly ready for again.

Faye’s silence to her comment said much, and Liseem didn’t see the need to drag it out further. The point was made. “Let’s go at this from a different angle. What’s the worst case scenario here?”

“It doesn’t work out and I have to leave Starfleet,” Faye simply, the casual shrug of her shoulders belying the emotional intensity she briefly watched sweep over Faye’s face.

“What happens then? Where do you go? What do you?”

“I don’t know. I… don’t have anywhere to go,” Calloway said.

“So this new ship is potentially home then, if I understand what you’re saying,” Liseem said.

Faye half shrugged. “I don’t know. It could be. That would be nice. But i’m not expecting it to be.”

“But it could be.”

“Maybe,” Faye said with a nod.

“How wonderfully optimistic…”

Faye shot her a dirty look. “You suck.”

Kejsdel laughed openly, her dark eyes twinkling. “Yes, I know.”

Faye gave her a withering glare, and sat back in her seat. She studied the woman who could pull the plug on her new assignment with a simple memo to their superiors. Normally that would have made her agitated, but instead Faye found herself calm. Never mind the fact that she wanted this assignment so very much! Well most of the assignment. Some parts of it weren’t ideal, but she was determined to make the most of it.

Reaching for her coffee, Calloway sipped as the silence filled the virtual space between them. It was Kejsdel who finally broke it. “How are you sleeping? Any issues with insomnia or nightmares?”

Another sip of coffee and Faye just shrugged. “Nothing like when I was initially recovering. On occasionI do if I’m overtired or stressed, but the things I’m doing to prevent the mind dumps actually help all the rest, so I’ve just continued with it.”

“And what does that entail?” Liseem asked.

“In addition to my training workouts, I do yoga and swimming. And while I haven’t been successful at properly meditating again since my imprisonment, I do find that just the attempt to be helpful. I’ve been using it as an opportunity to build barriers around the info so that it can’t dump on me whenever the hell it wants to.”

Tilting her head slightly, Kejsdel was intrigued by the phrasing. “You make it seem like the information has a will of its own.”

Faye snorted. “Of course not, but sometimes it feels that way. The dumps tend to happen when I’m stressed and then I let my mind go calm and slow down. I don’t understand the reasoning behind the mechanism but it’s like they wanted me to be able to access it and so the dumps happen when I’m potentially able to process it, but my mind can’t be too relaxed or something. Or at least that’s my working hypothesis.”

“Tell me about the dumps themselves,” Dr. Kejsdel asked, using Faye’s phrasing.

Hands wrapped around her mug, Faye took a slow inhale. “Sometimes it feels like I’m dying, even though I know I’m not. It’s just so overwhelming and my nervous system goes berserk. On the Atlantis people said that it looked like I was having some sort of seizure, though my body doesn’t shake. But those are the bad ones. It’s not always like that.”

“Is it painful?”

A slow nod. “Sometimes. Sometimes during. Definitely after. Headaches are usual. Sometimes migraines. But I don’t get those as often as I did after I first was on the Atlantis. It’s manageable now, but of course the more I control it, the less I can process the info.” Calloway chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I’m not stupid. I know Intelligence wants to know what they put in my head, but if I’m being honest, I don’t care. I’ve had more than enough of constant pain and being treated like a lab rat, that while a part of me is curious what the Romulans thought was interesting enough to stash in my brain, I’m really not interested in rehashing that situation.”

To Be Continued…

~Faye Calloway & Dr. Kejsdel (Psychologist, Starfleet Intelligence)