Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Executive Officer) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths

Posted by Lieutenant Patrick ‘Paddy’ McMillan (CNS) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Executive Officer) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths
Posted by… suppressed (5) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Shara drew in a shaky breath and let herself drop into the moment, to feel the keys her fingertips skimmed. This moment wasn’t about anyone else but her, and that demanded a particular kind of music: Earth “classical” music. It was music that contained a multitude of moods and feelings. It conveyed something that she rarely had words for. Yes, she played music she could sing to and perform at gatherings, but that was often like putting on a persona. She could transform herself into a performer. This music though, it was a presentation of her purest self with no barriers or masks. Whatever piece she decided to play came from a deep need she couldn’t always understand but always was compelled to express.

The piece came to mind without much thought, but she wasn’t sure she would remember every part of it. “Computer, generate sheet music for a piano solo of Handel’s Passacaglia. The music appeared before her and she took a minute to skim through, flipping the pages to make sure it was more or less how she remembered.

As Shara began to play with the left hand, the notes were strong and sure. When she brought her right hand, there was a lightness, a brightness to the melody. The music wasn’t happy, per say but it was, in all the ways that Shara often struggled to be, hopeful. She moved with the music, her body becoming in sync with the undulations of the tune. She was entirely unguarded and the music became a true expression of herself. It was this fact that was hard for her to reconcile in ehr everyday life. She knew no other way to get to this place.

As often happened when she played, Shara lost herself in the music, becoming unaware of anything but herself and the piano. McMillan could have left and she’d not have noticed till after- a fact that would have shocked anyone who had only ever known her as the wary and observant covert agent. As her fingers played the last notes softly, she was breathing hard and still seemed lost wherever she had gone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAIZxaToV2A

~Shara Calloway, XO

Paddy loosed a long breath and stayed silent for only a moment, before noticing the look on Commander Calloway’s face, “As beautiful as that was Commander - you clearly drew on some memories from the past - care to enlighten me?”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

She sucked in a breath. “It was one of my mother’s favourite pieces. I learned to play it the year she died.” Shara looked over at him and shrugged. Those were simple statements but they also meant everything.

~Shara Calloway, XO

“I’m… sorry for your loss Comman- Shara… I didn’t know.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

She shrugged. “It’s in my file. But it was a long time ago.” And yet, some days it felt like yesterday. Shara sighed and turned on the bench to face him. “You want me to be open and give in to everything. Surrender. But I’m learning to let go in the best way I know how so that I don’t lose myself entirely. There’s real risk here for my, Paddy. And the more you make it out like I’m just being stubborn, the more you refuse to see me. What I’ve been through.

“I have been living a life of secrecy so long that when I do find myself being me, it’s terrifying. When I was younger, I hid my feelings so I wouldn’t trigger my abusive father’s tirades. After my mother died, I tried to keep myself small because I looked so much like her that my very presence made him angry. Then I got pregnant as a teenager and was so ashamed of not being able to be a good mother to her that after I gave her up for adoption, I pretended like it never happened. Because I couldn’t be in her life anyway. So I tried to move on. I built a life for myself and then lost it all due to the Dominion, but then I built another new life for myself in Intelligence until the past met up with my present and the PTSD brought me to me knees.” Damn it! She could feel the tears hovering at the edges. “I have done things in my life that were so dangerous all the odds say I shouldn’t be alive. And I’ve made enemies along the way too. The only reason I’m not dead yet from them is that I wasn’t undercover and so damn good at it that I never got caught. This new life I’ve built with Micah and my girls and this new shift in my career. It’s taken more courage than I knew I even possessed. Because somewhere in the back of my mind I was always hiding myself and knew that I was being a coward.” She pressed middle C hard. “This is me, but I don’t know how to being her into the other areas of my life outside of those I’m closest. Not yet. Maybe not ever.”

~Shara Calloway, XO

“Have you considered performing your music to an audience? They do say performing is the highest form of expression, both artistic and emotional.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Hands settling into her lap, Shara inhaled deeply, her lungs expanding to press against her ribs. “Outside of close friends and family, the only time since Tracken that I’ve played the piano in public was on Voyager. My friends on the crew arranged a surprise at one point after I was coming out of the intense grief of losing my family and friends and the pooled replicator credits together to replicate a piano. They had it in the mess hall and, well, they got me to give a little concert. I haven’t done that since then. It’s been well over twenty years. So no, I’ve not considered it. Am I open to it?” She shrugged. “Perhaps. I’ve changed a lot in recent years.”

~Shara Calloway, XO

Bump

“Performing a concert might be more of a help than you think Commander,” Paddy said thoughtfully, “Especially when you’re around those you consider friends.” Paddy stopped for a moment, then chuckled, “Even me.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

She nodded slowly, turning back to the piano and resting her fingers on the keys. “I think I’m still getting used to the idea of Commander Shara Calloway, First Officer. It makes sense for her to have hobbies, passions outside of work. It’s still new, really. Intelligence was my life for so long I have to keep reminding myself I am other things and I have more than just that.”

~Shara Calloway, XO

“Every one of us is more than our work Commander - but we do always improve ourselves based on what we learn in life.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara sighed. “Of course, naturally.” She wasn’t sure how else to explain it, how to make him understand. Perhaps that was the point. She couldn’t. Only a very select few people (like her husband) knew what it was like to lose themselves in another identity so much that your real self became a stranger and sometimes one more frightening than the personas you assumed.

~Shara Calloway, XO

“I feel that we might be getting somewhere… slowly. I think we’d benefit from having a few of these holodeck sessions.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-