Posted by Lieutenant Patrick ‘Paddy’ McMillan (CNS) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Executive Officer) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths

Posted by Lieutenant Patrick ‘Paddy’ McMillan (CNS) in Holosuite 2- Processing New Paths
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Paddy sighed, “Commander Calloway,” he said with an unexpected bluntness, “I wish - I just wish for once you would trust me, I understand that you haven’t ridden before, but this whole experiment is to allow me to show you that facing your fears will help you, I’m not going to get anywhere if you keep closing off-” He caught himself, “Let’s just pretend I asked for permission to speak freely?”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara felt actual anger bubbling up within her, which was rare. Normally she was well in control of her emotions, especially towards others. “This is a therapy session and I’m not a ranking officer here. If that’s how you’ve been operating this whole time, then what are we even doing?” She threw her hands out to the side in exasperation.

“And I’m not closing off. I’ve been very open with you, but I think it’s rich of you to try to educate me about facing fears when I have been doing that my entire life. I don’t need a lesson in that. What I needed was a bit of compassion. This isn’t about you!” She was breathing hard and was very tempted to just walk out of the hlodeck. Shara wasn’t prone to making scenes and even now she felt decidedly uncomfortable with her her display.

~Shara Calloway, XO

“I didn’t say any of this was about me, I’m trying to uncover what it is that makes you tick Commander, but with all of this going backwards and forwards we’re never going to get anywhere!”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

She wanted to scream! This man made her feel like losing her cool in ways she had never experienced in recent years. Or perhaps it was that events in the last couple fo years had made it impossible to fully shut herself off anymore and so people could irk her in visible ways.

Shara ran her hands over the top of her head, fingertips pressing in as they went along. It gave her something to focus on as she struggled to contain her anger. “I have never climbed upon a horse. When I said I have never rode, I mean I have never rode. It’s not just what happens once I’m in the saddle. I have to walk up to a creature I’m scared of and, what, just throw myself on their back? Teach me how to be around horses and get on one before you get frustrated about my not letting teach me how to ride. Walk before we run and all that. How hard is that to understand?”

~Shara Calloway, XO

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you ma’am,” Paddy said, reducing the exasperation in his voice as much as he could, “With things like this, you need to learn as you go.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Hands planted on her hips, Shara dipped her head, fighting back the tears. She would not cry in front of him, not for this of all things. “I get it, not everyone is a teacher, but I had this assumption that therapists would be better at it, given they have to walk their patients through things, step-by-step if needed. I’m here, trying to ask for what I need, which is very difficult for me by the way, but the truth is that I’ve not been made to feel this stupid in a very, very long time. I didn’t deserve it from my father, and I certainly am not going to accept it from you. So maybe we should just call this quits. Clearly we’re not a great match. I can find another therapist and then we can deal with each other professionally as we always do.” She spoke softly and there was no anger in her voice, just resignation.

~Shara Calloway, XO

Bump

Bump?

“Commander,” Paddy said, beginning to level himself out again, “We can do this, I know we can, we just need to… start over.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara stuffed down the turmoil that had been pulled to the surface and stared at him for a moment. “And how exactly do you want to go about that?” she said before her eyes flicked to the horses. Did he mean the entire session, just this riding part? She didn’t know, but either way, her unease around the large animals was annoyingly obvious. Had they bene in front of real horses, they most certainly would have reacted to her emotions.

~Shara Calloway, XO

Bump

Bump

“Tell me,” Paddy began, “What is the first activity you think of doing when you want to lower stress levels?,” Sensing he was about to receive a ‘look’, he quickly added, “Trust me.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara sighed. “I play music,” she said softly. “Usually my guitar, because that’s what I have available to me in mine and Micah’s quarters. Back on Earth I have a piano of my own again. Music isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, but it’s one that’s appropriate to talk about in this context and without my husband,” she added, quirking her brows upwards and gazing at McMillan intently.

~Shara Calloway, XO

“You play? I had no idea, the Irish in me can handle a fiddle with the best of them!” Paddy grinned, an idea forming in his head.

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara nodded, wary. Music was not a casual subject to her. It had a profound meaning that was hard to describe some days. “My mother was a concert pianist with the local orchestra outside of her day-job. I learned from her. I also learned guitar, which I have one with me that is very special, but I also learned to play the Vulcan lute and the Bajoran lyre. If you give me a stringed instrument, I can learn to play it, though bowed instruments would take more time and study, for obvious reasons.”

~Shara Calloway, XO

Bump

Paddy smiled then shot a look at the sky, “Computer, switch to the inside of the farmhouse, add space for a grand piano in the living space and materialise the room around us.” The computer acknowledged the command and the lush green landscapes of the McMillan farm disintegrated to be quickly replaced the varnished oak interior of an old farmhouse, twentieth-century in design. The glow of a warm, homely fire sat in the centre of the room, crackling against the protection of a fire-guard.

“Welcome in,” Paddy shot a glance at the visage of a black grand piano in the corner of the room, “Want to take a seat?”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

He didn’t know what he was asking of her, of course he didn’t. As Shara gazed at the piano, it evoked a very different feeling than the one at the cabin, or even the one that people had hauled into the Manhattan’s garden at Faye’s wedding for her to play. It was probably only because she had played at Faye’s wedding reception that she could even contemplate it here.

Moving across the room, Calloway ventured slowly as if wary. It was just a piano, and a holographic one at that. If it had been any of the other instruments she had mentioned, she couldn’t even hesitate, but the piano carried deep memories for her and, if she were honest, the core of her being. With the piano she didn’t, and couldn’t hide. All of who she was was on display.

Reaching out a hand, she ran her fingers along the edge of the polished wood and sat down. “There was little room for music in my life after my mother died. My father couldn’t abide hearing or seeing anything that reminded him of his dead wife. Which sucks when even as a teenager you looked so much like your mother. And then I left, ran away, had my baby, gave her up for adoption and left everything about Midos behind. Or tired to. A few years later I was on this moon colony at Arkellis Three. I was working to get by and studying to finish secondary school, because I left Midos before I got my qualification. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I did know I wanted to have options.” She pivoted her body so she was fully facing the keyboard and rested her hands on the keys, right thumb at middle C. “I was working at a bar, bartending, serving. They had this beat up upright piano there that had seen better days but it could produce some decent sound. After closing up, sometimes I’m play a bit before I left for the night. That’s how I met my first husband. He had come in with friends earlier one night and much later had seen and heard me playing.”

Shara looked over at Paddy. “This isn’t easy for me. On Earth, at our home there, it’s different. It’s my piano. It has no history other than what I give it. But when I play in public for others, everything else is there. I can use it in my music, but it’s hard.” She looked back at the keys. “Hilariously, I offered to help start a music club slash group thing here. And I will. I just know that the rest of the crew won’t quite grasp what it means if they get to see me play the piano.” She wasn’t even sure if McMillan understood, or if she was making any sense.

~Shara Calloway, XO

“I certainly would pay good money to see you work magic on those keys Commander - I understand it’s a lot of pressure, but it feels like we might be getting somewhere. Please, anything that comes to mind, just play.”

-Lieutenant Patrick McMillan: Counselor-

Shara drew in a shaky breath and let herself drop into the moment, to feel the keys her fingertips skimmed. This moment wasn’t about anyone else but her, and that demanded a particular kind of music: Earth “classical” music. It was music that contained a multitude of moods and feelings. It conveyed something that she rarely had words for. Yes, she played music she could sing to and perform at gatherings, but that was often like putting on a persona. She could transform herself into a performer. This music though, it was a presentation of her purest self with no barriers or masks. Whatever piece she decided to play came from a deep need she couldn’t always understand but always was compelled to express.

The piece came to mind without much thought, but she wasn’t sure she would remember every part of it. “Computer, generate sheet music for a piano solo of Handel’s Passacaglia. The music appeared before her and she took a minute to skim through, flipping the pages to make sure it was more or less how she remembered.

As Shara began to play with the left hand, the notes were strong and sure. When she brought her right hand, there was a lightness, a brightness to the melody. The music wasn’t happy, per say but it was, in all the ways that Shara often struggled to be, hopeful. She moved with the music, her body becoming in sync with the undulations of the tune. She was entirely unguarded and the music became a true expression of herself. It was this fact that was hard for her to reconcile in ehr everyday life. She knew no other way to get to this place.

As often happened when she played, Shara lost herself in the music, becoming unaware of anything but herself and the piano. McMillan could have left and she’d not have noticed till after- a fact that would have shocked anyone who had only ever known her as the wary and observant covert agent. As her fingers played the last notes softly, she was breathing hard and still seemed lost wherever she had gone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAIZxaToV2A

~Shara Calloway, XO