Posted by Civilian Micah Pikelsimer (Federation Security Agent) in From the Shadows Comes Hope- A Walk

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Executive Officer) in From the Shadows Comes Hope- A Walk

Posted by Civilian Micah Pikelsimer (Federation Security Agent) in From the Shadows Comes Hope- A Walk
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Daggum lifted another log, giving her a chance to compose herself. Seeing some of what they sought, he flung the log away and knelt down. “I know about your son, Nadine.” he said softly. “And I cannot begin to imagine what his loss feels like.” he said as his fingers dug in the soil pulling out the mushrooms. “But as speaking as someone who never had parents… or a family… or a home growing up; I can tell you that the galaxy is full of kids who could use a mother’s love… whether or not that mother shares genetics or not.”

Daggum

She struggled to still her racing heart but after many years of needed to be ‘on’ with kids around, Nadine had gotten good at telling her body to calm down. “I know. And I’ve thought about adoption.” She paused and the subsequent sigh was far more forceful than she expected. “I am adopted, remember? There are complicated feelings there, especially when my newfound birth mother just ups and disappears a few months after I finally found her. I spent decades looking for her Daggum. I gave up on the idea of ever knowing anything about her. But then she practically fell into my lap one day and came with step-dad, and a sister and brother-in-law. An Uncle, Aunt and Cousin. Not to mention an alcoholic and abusive grandfather who Gavin says is getting pretty bad and probably won’t live much longer, nor my birth dad and his family.”

“This is about more than Joshua. Its about the family I bring a child into. It’s not just me, but everyone else. And I had been prepared when Micah first brought me here”-she gestured around them-“to be content with knowing who she was, and maybe my birth dad, and call it okay. I could walk away knowing I still had the two people who raised me and have always loved me. But that’s not what happened. You all proved too amazing to walk away from, and that’s great. But right now I’m not in the best place to go to an adoption agency. I don’t want to bring a child into my life now because I reacting to everything else around me. That’s not fair to them.”

~Nadine

Daggum stopped picking mushrooms and stood up and brushed off his knees. He then looked at Nadine. “Yes, I know you are adopted. Yes, I know you searched long and hard for Shara. Yes, I know that this family has massive issues.” He set his hands on his hips and really looked at her, emerald eyes almost glowing. “But you always had someone, Nadine. You were adopted out and Shara made sure you were in a good place with good people. What I am telling you is that your whole thing- your history- is by far the exception to the rule. Most kids that start off without anyone go through shit you will never imagine. And you shouldn’t. It will break your soul. And honestly, you can stand there and think of every reason why you shouldn’t go and try. Why you think it’s a bad idea… now or later. But you’ll be wrong. Because you are a good person, Nadine. You have a lot of love and life in you. And I know that any kid would be lucky to have you for a mom. And I know that you wouldn’t go and find some agency that matches you with some service for well-to-do people to off-load their illegitimate kid to protect their reputation. You’d find someone like me… and you’d save them. And that is what matters. One less kid living in a cage and killing for his food.” He set his hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You deserve to feel whole, Nadine. And some kid deserves a good mom. So make it happen. Or don’t. But don’t waffle around about it. Okay? I mean… ” and he spread his arms wide and spun around at the whole of their surroundings. “What kid wouldn’t love this?!” and he dropped his arms and started to pick up his bounty.

Daggum

Ramps in hand, Nadine just stood there and stared at him. She was deeply touched, not just by his assertions, but the care in which he had conveyed them to her. “It’s pretty amazing here,” she whispered. “But that’s the problem, or a part of it? Here in Tennessee I can push everything else away, but I can’t exist in this place permanently. And being on this planet lately feels… masochistic,” she said with a bitter laugh. Nadine wasn’t going to say anything, preferring to let the moonshine melt it away, but here she was with her brother-in-law, with no where else for the truth to exist but out in the open. “My ex got remarried a few months ago. He didn’t tell me. I found out through a mutual acquaintance. All my friends back in New York were also his friends, so when we divorced and I moved back to Portland, I more or less lost my social circle too. It was hard but I made new friends. But we left on good enough terms that I thought he could at least give me the head’s up. Worse yet, it turns out his new wife is pregnant. I just found out before I left for here.” She stood there, wanting to cry but the tears just hovered, never falling. “Gods I want more ‘shine. Last time I didn’t do so well with it, but right about now being very drunk sounds amazing.”

~Nadine

“Later. And I’ll join you.” Daggum said. He looked at her for a long moment and said “Your ex-husband is a di<k. And apparently a selfish one at that. No one with a spine would do some s#!t like that.” He took a deep breath. “So you think being here on Earth is masochistic? Then leave. Go somewhere else, Nadine.” and he laughed loudly. “I mean Nine Hells Below.... we all do that anyway! So join us in being nomads for a while. You’re a teacher. Those are needed all over. I mean, there are civilian teachers on the Manhattan! And that ship is so far away you send your ex death threats via subsapce and he wouldnt get them until he was reincarnated… preferably as some kind of slug.”

Daggum

Nadine burst out into laughter. She was so surprised by his comments that it was louder and longer than she expected. She stood there with her hands on her hips as tears slipped over her cheeks- tears of relief, of sadness, of gratitude- and she shook her head before she wiped them away with her long sleeves t-shirt. “Oh Daggum, that might the be the most awesome and ridiculous thing I’ve ever had suggested to me. I’m kind of liking it, actually.” She couldn’t let her kind traipse any farther than the idea itself but for the moment it was enough.

“Come on, let’s go back see if people are still intact and make sure these get cleaned properly for dinner,” she said, turning and walking back towards the cabins, ramps swinging from her hands.

~Nadine

“After the exchange between Faye and Micah, I will be pleasantly surprised if there is no blood on the ground… and I’m not sure whose it would be.” Daggum said as his long stride caught up to her in a few steps. “Listen…” he said as they reached the edge of the woods that was the boundary of the cabin area, “… anytime you need a break, take it. But don’t run from the awkwardness. You and I are the only ones here that haven’t been part of their world. And like it or not, that world is where they exist. And unfortunately for us sometimes? It’s where they thrive.”

Daggum

She nodded. “I’ve gathered that. But I don’t know, whatever went down exactly between Faye and Micah, I think I understand it. It’s hard to want amazing things in your life and not feel like they are hard to hold on to. And knowing what to let go of when is one of those strange life lessons you have to keep learning.”

Nadine took a deep breath as they neared the main cabin and tossed a lopsided smirk. “Alright, here we go. Brace yourself.” She chuckled under her breath, opened the door and stepped on in.

---

Meanwhile, in her and Daggum’s cabin, Faye was sitting on the couch cross-legged with Tess in her lap. In her hand was her glass of ‘shine. She had taken the stone out and it rested on the coffee table, a ring of liquor marking the surface. She was debating whether she would take the stone back in with her when she went for more ‘sine and hadn’t yet figured it out. She hadn’t had a sip of alcohol in its original form since that night she got terrible drunk and ended up sleeping on her therapist’s floor. Even at her wedding when she was just celebrating she thought it best not to indulge when there were strong feelings in the mix.

The self-imposed restriction was starting to chafe.

~Nadine & Faye

The door opened and Daggum walked in. As he walked past her to sit opposite, he set his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. He took a seat and looked at her for a long moment before saying “So? How was daddy-daughter time?” with more than a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

Daggum

Tess immediately got up and hopped over to Daggum, rubbing against him.

Faye said nothing at first, trying to parse her own feelings. “I want this glass to be plain moonshine, Dag. And I can’t decide if that’s a bad thing or not given my moratorium. I do think it’s growth that I didn’t refill it first before coming out here, so there it that.” She lifted her head to look up at him. “He’s not wrong and yet I felt like I couldn’t quite articulate what I wanted to say. It feels like the holodeck and my breakdown all over again. My trying to find my way through something and her also going through something. I don’t know where the middle ground is and sometimes it feels like there’s been too much trauma in this family for to function like one. How do I not make things worse for her when my circumstances are the reason she’s struggling so much right now?” She shook her head and knocked back some the clear liquid.

~Faye

Daggum took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He just stared at her for a minute, emerald eyes glistening in the light.

“Family is sometimes nothing but a choice.” he began. “But what Shara and, I would imagine, Micah are dealing with isn’t something you or they have any experience in. Oh, you three have the spy and black ops stuff down to a science, for certain. But in the whole time you’ve been doing it- up until just recently- you three only risked yourselves. Now… now you all have something to lose. A lot to lose, really.” His head tilted to the side and his eyes did that thing they do when his brain was pulling all the threads together. Like Faye had seen numerous times when he was the Operations officer on the Athena and was pulling off a particularly complex and delicate… um… ‘exchange of goods and services’ for something the ship was in dire need of.

She snorted.

“You three aren’t looking at the big picture, I don’t think. You actually have a really good opportunity here… if you all open your eyes and look at it.” He leaned forward and really looked at her. “You saw and felt the effects of them vanishing again. They felt what is was like to keep going in the same way you three ha e in the past. For once, you all have a complete view of what it means to be family and dedicated to the job. And I think… if you three talk… you will be able to come to a consensus and figure where the fulcrum is… the balance point.”

Daggum

“I tried. I tried to explain that I want him to be my dad, but that I need him to stay.” Tears flooded her vision and she wiped at them furiously before downing more of the drink that wouldn’t do what she desperately wanted it to. Tess immediately hopped back over and crawled into Faye’s lap and Faye automatically began to stroke her fur.

But it was so much deeper than a conversation that needed to happen. In her mind, Faye was trying to reconcile her fears with reality. “Dag… if we didn’t have kids the way we talked about, would you be really upset?” she all but whispered.

~Faye

Daggum looked at her a long moment and then stood up and walked over to her. He bent down, slid his arms under her and lifted her up off the couch, cradling her in his arms against his chest. “Faye… I have you. Anything else is extra. I only need you.” and he held her againstt him, slowly swaying her back and forth.

Daggum

She wasn’t sure what she expected but finding herself cradled in his arms, Faye broke down into sobs. Dag picked her. Every time. She still wasn’t used to it and in some ways she never wanted to. She never wanted to take that beautiful fact for granted. And she also knew that it wasn’t reasonable for him to always pick her, but when it mattered most, he did.

After a couple minutes, Faye’s breath shuddered and she seemed to get her crying under control. “I’m not saying I don’t want kids, for the record, but it’s… so complicated. There’s a lot to consider.” They hadn’t really talked about it since their date on the Manhattan. And idle mention, sure, but not really an actual conversation.

~Faye