Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Aasrel Izei (Chief Medical Officer) in If Desperate Wishes Were Horses

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Bethany Kovra Gadi (Chief of Security) in If Desperate Wishes Were Horses

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Aasrel Izei (Chief Medical Officer) in If Desperate Wishes Were Horses
Posted by… suppressed (8) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Once she fell asleep, he settled in and tried to sleep. He couldn’t. His mind kept jumping back to earlier that day. I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t hurt you. the officer had said. Aasrel had felt the pity, the look they gave him. They all looked at him differently. Like he wasn’t Betazoid or humanoid anymore. (they didn’t really, but to him they did).

Why? Why were these stupid things attached to him? Why couldn’t he get his own looks back, his own body? His fingers gripped his implant tightly as he drowned in his own self sorrow and hatred. He wanted them gone, he wanted them off. He couldn’t stand them. He needed them away from him. How could he go home, and let his family see what he was now? See them give him that same look everyone else did… No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He just wasn’t himself anymore. The Aasrel they’d known growing up had been lost to the Borg.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

“You’re not lost,” Bethany’s arms tightened around him, hugging him in her sleep. “I found you.”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel set one hand gently on her arm, wrapped tightly around him. He hugged her tight and pressed his face into her, crying softly.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

His grief was strong enough that it broke through her sleep. Bethany was instantly awake. She was still as she identified what woke her. Aasrel? She knew it was him. She lifted her head to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel kept his face pressed against her and shook his head. Go back to sleep. He said, using his telepathy to speak to her without his cry-y voice. But his emotions were there for her to sense, strong and all consuming. He couldn’t just put a cork in it at the flip of a switch, not even to save her from feeling what he felt. Not that he wasn’t trying.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

There were fluctuations, making her feel like she wasn’t really connecting correctly. But Bethany trusted her gut and she could read people. “Hey, talk to me. We promised to be open and honest with each other. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

It was easier for Aasrel to project to her his emotions and thoughts, sharing with her exactly ‘whatever it was’. All the hurt and self loathing and self pity and the thoughts that went with it all. He cried quietly against her. He tried to hold back, not let the emotions overwhelm her. We did promise. I just… You’re already struggling.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

Bethany hugged him tighter. It was easier, right now, for her to speak. The physical action sort of grounded her in the onslaught. His emotions brought tears of grief and loss and anger to her eyes. “We both are. That’s no reason to put off taking care of both of us.”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel didn’t mind whether she spoke or used telepathy. For him, telepathy was easier. For her, speech was. Both got the job done. He looked up at her at last, his face covered in tears. I was afraid of my emotions influencing you. I know you’re still working on separating others’ feelings from yours.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

“I am, but I know that is what is going on. I’m able to at least control my reactions, even if I can’t stop feeling it yet. I’m not afraid for you to share with me. It’s just everyone else, all at once. Thank you for protecting me.” Bethany kissed his cheek and settled back. “Talk to me. Tell me about it. You’re keeping it in, and it’s slowly eating away at you. I won’t judge and I certainly won’t think differently of you.”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel took her hand and squeezed it. Instead of attempting to explain it to her, he shared his emotions and thoughts with her, letting her feel and hear them for herself. Letting her experience what he did. The self doubt, the lack of identity, the dysmorphia caused by his implants. He looked at her, squeezing her hand again, It’s just a tough day for me.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

Bethany squeezed his hand back. It was unconsciounable that his emotional suffering had been allowed to go on. More should have been done for him and the rest who had been rescued and de-assimilated. How did you reconcile who you were with who they made you be? Bethany had already considered it, but she was now, even more determined to reach out to Jake and his collegue. They had been assimilated too, and their doctor had been able to remove everything, or near enough no one could tell afterwards. Even if they didn’t make it back to Star Fleet, she could still do that for him. Getting rid of the implants would not heal the mental wounds, but it was a place to start. “It’s okay, we all have bad days.”

Lt. Cmdr. Bethany Kovra Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel leaned on her and hugged her tightly. “I just don’t know what to do about it,” he said softly, with his voice mostly because he knew she liked it but also because that was just how it came out.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

“We exhaust all options,” Berhany told him as if saying space was black. “Remember I told you, I know people who have been through it. When this is over, whichever way it goes, we will go see them and see what they say.”

Lt. Cmdr. Gadi, Chief of Security

Aasrel looked up at her with this expression - she could feel the emotion behind it - of utter hopelessness. What could they do that others couldn’t? Maybe, maybe talking to someone who’d been through it would help. But as bad as he felt now, he didn’t see it. “When this is over.” He sighed against her.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

“Don’t give up. One of them was the ship’s CMO. He did a lot of the work, the research, the procedures. He went on to head up the work on de-assimilation. If anyone has answers, it will be him.” Bethany lifted her head and stared into his eyes. He could feel the rush of emotion his gaze brought. She adored his eyes. Both of them. He could see her, all of her. The physical mask and his silver flecked eye saw everything underneath. It gave her a sense of safety and acceptance she hadn’t had since she was a very small child.

Aasrel held her gaze. She had such faith this person would have answers. He hoped so. He really did. She loved his eyes, he could tell. He wished he could.

“If you can’t wait, tell me. I can get us out of here.”

Lt. Cmdr. Gadi, Chief of Security

Bethany could feel how much he wanted to say yes. Then the conflict in him as he sighed and set his head against her. “I can’t abandon this mission. I can’t make you abandon it.”

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

Bethany smiled slightly and nodded, as if she knew there was no other answer. Deep inside, Aasrel was still the same man that had vowed his loyalty to Star Fleet and that, the people, mattered to him (even if he didn’t want to socialize). “I’ll find a way to get a message to them, so they can start making a plan. Until then, we hold on, okay?”

Lt. Cmdr. Gadi, Chief of Security

Why was that? Aasrel wondered, why couldn’t he abandon his vows to Starfleet? What had starfleet done for him? Nothing, and then sent him on this suicide mission. He was nothing to them. It was mostly the crew that kept him from abandoning his duties. This crew that he couldn’t stand to socialize with due to his own issues, he also couldn’t just… leave them. But gods did he wish he could. He nodded halfheartedly against her and began to cry softly once more.

Lt., j.g. Aasrel Izei
Chief Medical Officer

“It’s because of the crew, the people. It’s the same for me. I could walk away from Star Fleet, but I can’t leave these people to what they will face.”

Lt. Cmdr. Gadi, Chief of Security