Posted by Lieutenant Miranda Martel (Chief Engineer) in Terror in the Dark - Martel’s quarters - Tag Gadi

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Bethany Kovra Gadi (Chief of Security) in Terror in the Dark - Martel’s quarters - Tag Gadi

Posted by Lieutenant Miranda Martel (Chief Engineer) in Terror in the Dark - Martel’s quarters - Tag Gadi

It was late, the wee hours of the night aboard the Asimov. The ship was running on lower lighting in most of the common spaces to at least give some semblance of a day/night cycle.

Bethany couldn’t sleep again this time though it wasn’t the wild crazy heart beat or slight fever. If it was Ryley would have already been at her door, his archaic medical equipment out and examining her. No this was just that her mind couldn’t shut off. Too many things running in her head. So lights low, the focus stone operating like prismatic glass for the miniscule lamp it set on top of, Bethany sat on the floor, breathing a slow measured rhythm and meditated.

Miranda tossed fitfully in her sleep, soaked in sweat.

The sheets tangled around her.

She thrashed now and again. Half formed words escaped her.

More twitches, more jerks.

She let out a blood-curdling scream, sitting bolt upright In an instant she was free and scrambling to her feet. Something tackled her, taking to the floor. Blades in hand she slashed and slashed. It’s grip loosened and she rolled to her feet, whirling around looking for … the next… something. Person? Enemy.

Bethany’s eyes snapped open, but that was all that moved as she listened to the room. Then she was up to feet and out her door. She stopped at Martel’s door and listened. Even though there was no other scream it sounded like a fight going on inside.

But she was alone. In her quarters. On the Asimov. Right? Wasn’t she? …

One trembling hand reached up to her left eye. She could see out of it again. But they immediately encountered the cybernetics too. Not a dream. It was still hard to catch her breath, coming fast and shallow now. Hyperventilating.

Miranda

“Computer security override Gadi zeta alpha 4-1-1-7.” The door opened and she stepped in one place and scanned the room, expecting to find broken knocked over furniture and someone(s) very hurt. “Miranda.” She called clearly.

Gadi

Light spilled in from the corridor, silhouetting a figure. She whirled, facing them, blade tucked away behind her arm, concealed save for the ring around her index finger, left hand up to ward off incoming attack, blade hand ready to slash or hook and control. There was something different about it from the gym, predatory.

But just as fast the voice registered and the ready-tension eased a notch. “Bethy?” It came out small, a little confused, almost child-like. The blade was forgotten but still clutched in her hand. “I.. Computer lights, thirty percent.” The interior lighting came on, but not enough to be painful but light the room in a soft glow. She stood among her bed sheets, large angry slashes through the cloth. She was dressed in a t-shirt several sizes too big, almost long enough to be a dress. “I…”

Miranda

Bethany moved toward the bedroom, slowly, arms down, palms open. It was a peaceful gesture. But only an idiot would think Bethany wasn’t prepared for a fight. She recognized the stance and the light from the corridor caught the gleam of the ring of the karambit. “Yeah, it’s me.” The lights came up and a quick flick of her eyes took in the whole scene. Flashbacks. Bethany had dealt with those, in herself and others many times. “Yeah I know. How about you sit so we can get you untangled?”

Bethany was slow to approach. She wanted the knife, but wasn’t going to start with that. She wanted Miranda to fully wake up a little more.

Bethany

The world seemed to spin or turn. Or it was just off somehow. Blood still rushed in her ears, and her mouth tasted coppery, almost like blood. She wobbled a little as she turned, looking around for the bed. Where…? There. She moved to take a step. Something had her ankle. She kicked at it in agitation, then more when it didn’t immediately let go. Looking down it was a… sheet. Oh.

Bethany watched letting her make her way, but close enough to catch her if she fell or stop her if she lashed out again.

Moving over to the bed she sat, and went to run her fingers through her hair only to find the knife in her hand. Where did that come from? Her hand and whole arm ached. She tried to open up to let go of it, but she couldn’t. “I can’t let go.” She looked up at Gadi. “Help?” She’d held the weapon so tight that her hand was locked, almost paralyzed around it.

“Of course.” She walked over, but before she sat, she grabbed Miranda in a gentle but secure wrist lock. She had no desire to get cut or stabbed. Gently she she pressed the tender spot between thumb and index, forcing the hand open, careful not to leave a bruise. Then she pried each finger away from the blade handle. Bethany slipped the knife out of her hand and it disappeared for safe keeping.

As soon as her fingers could be pried open though, sensation and movement began returning. “What happened? Did… I?” She looked at the torn up sheet.

Miranda

Bethany helped her untangle the sheet. “I would hazard to guess you had a flashback in your sleep and…well it’s kind of like sleep walking in a nightmare. You got tangled in the sheet and fought your way out.” Her voice was very matter of fact, but caring. There was no pity or disgust, just care and understanding.

Bethany

“It’s not the first time,” she mumbled. “I vaguely remember. Just…” She shook her head. “I was doing okay. Better than I would have expected. But.. Pikelsimer… I guess ” She shook her head. “Brought some stuff bubbling back up.” It wasn’t his fault. Not really. She doubted what he’d said had been purposeful. Shew as just … broken. “Sorry I woke you,” she murmured. Now that she paid attention, her throat was raw, almost sore, and her voice a little grainy, made worse by the tiny cough that followed.

Mira

“You didn’t wake me. I was up.” She stood up and glanced around the room with a sigh. No replicators for regular officers. The Brazen class couldn’t support that. She spotted Miranda’s coffee cup and took it into the joint bathroom, rinsing and cleaning it quickly, and then came back with it full of water. “Here, drink that. If you want something else I can run down to the mess for you.” Then she left coming back with a damp cloth that she placed over the back of the other woman’s neck.

Bethany

She took the water and killed it immediately, then pressed the cold mug against her forehead, then groaned at the cold, damp cloth on the back of her neck. . “N-no. That’s good. Thanks,” she said quietly, then sat the mug aside. She pulled her knees up to her chest and ran her fingers into her hair, before wrapping her arms around her legs. A moment later she scooted back to rest against the cool bulkhead and let it steel more of the heat clinging to her skin.

At the same time she couldn’t quite meet Bethany’s gaze. Gratitude mixed with guilt, shame, despair. She was happy to see Gadi. She was at least … still doing her job. That was good. If she’d actually been in danger, Bethany would have been there. That was… somewhat reassuring. She ached to talk to her, ask about her situation… get an update. But it wasn’t her business. And she wasn’t even sure what to say.

Truth was, she looked terrible. There were dark circles around her eyes, and her skin had taken on a more ashen tone. Not that she was dying, but she clearly wasn’t doing the best. And now that things were calmer, the Gadi could see the place was bombed. There were old dishes laying about, clothes everywhere that needed to go through the refresher. Parts of various electronics and other pieces of equipment were haphazardly laying about as well. There were a few broken items a well, shattered it seemed.

Mira

Bethany scooted back and sat next to her, leaned against the bulk head. Quietly keeping her company. She glanced around the room, and then at Miranda and how she looked - haunted. Bethany wasn’t sure she could help. She has ghosts that haunted her too, but going back in never bothered her. Maybe her father was right about that too - there was something fundamentally wrong with her. She shrugged that aside though. She was good at what she did and it made a difference. That’s all that mattered. She glanced around again. “Thrashing a bit?”

Bethany

“Huh?” The question caught her off guard. But then Miranda followed her gaze, and immediately looked more guilty and ashamed. “I … no.. I .. ” How could she even explain without sounding like some weird creepo. Or like a crazy person. Or … just .. weak and pathetic. There wasn’t a good one, but the pan was back. Her vision began to turn watery, while it felt like another spear went through her chest. Blinking a few times she tried to clear it away but finally used the hem of her shirt to dry one eye. “Something like that,” she said quietly, then cleared her throat.

Bethany put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. She gave a little nod of understanding, but was content to sit in silence and let Miranda decide what she needed.

Miranda leaned into it a little, resting her head on Gadi’s shoulder. It felt.. familair. Good. It didn’t mean a damn thing.

A half laugh escaped her then, mixed with some of that hauntedness around the edges. “If I’d known you were coming over I would have cleaned up a bit.”

Mira

A grin stretched across Bethy’s face. “Naw, it’s fine. My place looks worse. Sometimes we have to let the chaos out for a little bit. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Bethany

The engineer clenched her jaw tight for a moment, but more tears welled up in her vision. One arm slipped around Bethany and held on tight. Bethany didn’t have to stay, and could have gone back to her quarters a while ago. But hearing that she was in just as bad a place sent pangs of guilt and regret crashing through her. Had she misjudged? It seemed like it. Felt like it.

At the same time she’d missed her friend a lot. And felt rather isolated and alone. Leaving her hurt, angry, frustrated, afraid. worried. And even then she’d been worried about her friend. But felt cut off.

After a minute she sat up straight and took a deep breath. “I… we.. need to talk. Maybe not right this minute. It’s pretty late. But.. we do. Or at least I do.”

Mira

Bethany turned a little so she could see Miranda easier and draped her arms over her drawn up knees. Miranda seemed off, but that was okay. Almost everyone on board was for one reason or another. It was bound to happen. She nodded, “Then talk and I’ll listen. I’m not going to bed any time soon. And I told you, you can always come find me and I’ll listen. We’ve all been pulling crazy hours to get ready for this first raid, but that doesn’t mean friends aren’t still there for each other.”

Bethany

Mira shook her head. She didn’t even know where to start. She was such an idiot. Such a moron. Where to start? There was only one thing she kept coming back to. But she had no right to ask about that. It was none of her business. None. But it was one of the only things she cared about at the moment.

“Look, about the other day… How are you really? Don’t bu!!5#$% me either. I know it’s not my place to ask. And you don’t really have to answer. If you don’t want to tell me just tell me to drop it. But don’t treat me like a mushroom. You know, feed me crap and keep me in the dark, if you’re gonna .” That would be worse by far.

Mira

She was taken aback by the vehemence of Miranda’s voice, but she supposed the sudden change made sense. Bethany’s eyebrow went up in a very Vulcan like fashion. Miranda wanted to talk, but not about what was going on with her. That was fine, Bethany wasn’t here to be her counselor. Sometimes you had to bury the crap in order to keep going.

She could tell her to bug off. Bethany wasn’t sure Miranda was in a place to help. She’d stabbed herself with her nails when Bethany had attempted to talk to her before. Bethany gave a thoughtful shrug, “Okay, but you start hurting yourself again I stop talking and you go to medical.”

Miranda rolled her eyes with a scoff and shake of her head. “Oh, please. I get worse than that almost every day doing my job. Whether it’s skinning my knuckles tightening down a bolt or accidentally getting a hold of an EPS conduit that hasn’t cooled enough. That just meant my nails were a little too long. Barely broke the skin. It’s not like I cut my damn wrist and opened an artery. If I went to sickbay every time I made a tight fist, I’d be there several times a day.”

There was a huge difference, but if Martel couldn’t see it then Bethany wasn’t going to argue with a brick wall.

“First of all you can ask. I don’t know where all that don’t treat you like a mushroom is coming from, but you aren’t a mark or a target, and I’ve never treated you like one.” Miranda was the first genuine friend she’d made in a long time. Bethany shook her head and let the frustration go. She couldn’t control how people felt or reacted to things. Only herself.

“Honestly, I don’t know. It’s a lot to wrap my head around. And it’s a distraction I can’t afford right now. Ryley’s given me a cocktail that’s dealing with the symptoms, so I’m closer to physically normal than I have been in awhile. He put a fun little micro-biomonitor in me, so he can monitor me from anywhere. I’m worried. The cocktail is helping, but what if things suddenly take a nose dive in the middle of something crucial and I fail to do my job? Ryley says with the monitor he should be be able to see it coming before it does. But I am really not okay knowing something outside of my control could cause me to fail or put others’ lives in danger.” She shrugged with her hands as if to say, ‘there it is.’

Bethany

“You told me he was going to,” she said with a nod. A moment later she took a deep breath and let it out with a small sigh. “I really doubt you’re gonna fall out at a critical moment. Sure it can happen, but right now Ryley is so far up your ass if he spits it’s coming out of your mouth. If you’re really worried about it, I’m sure there are plenty of precautions you can take. And ultimately… you trust your people? You trust everybody else to do their job? Ridad can do your job. And the job of everybody below you. That’s how we’re trained. So as far as that goes, it’s handled. Right?”

Mira

Ridad was amazing. A great officer and she was lucky to have him, but no there were somethings about this mission he could not do in her place. Sure she was expendable, she’d always known that, but that would leave a gap in the skill base. There was an edge, velvet covered and hidden deep that she walked along. “Oh really? Isn’t that how it works in your department too? You could have stayed on the station instead of going through all this and it triggering flashbacks. Can’t Hammar do your job? And the job of everybody below you?” Bethany just shook her head. “Sure we’re taking precautions, sure it’s a remote possibility. But if I don’t account for those remote possibilities I can’t take precautions against them.”

Bethany

Miranda shook her head. “I’m not saying ignore them. Or stick your head in the sand. Proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance. I mean, I pretty much live by that. And Hammer better be able to keep my ship in one piece or he’ll be scrubbing the waste reclamation system with his effin’ tongue for a month.” She sighed and scooted closer. “I really don’t think I should be here. Others do. And maybe they’re right. And maybe I’ve got a little bit of control freak in me. Or maybe I just don’t want another Shamshir happening to anybody else. So maybe I can’t let go. And maybe I shouldn’t, especially if my being here makes the difference. And I could crack too at any time. It’s a risk.”

She reached out, placing one hand lightly on Gadi’s arm, giving a gentle squeeze. “I’m just saying, trust your team. That includes everybody. From the medical staff looking after you, to the trigger pullers, box kickers, grease monkeys and knuckle-draggers like me. There’s not a lot of us to go around.”

“I know I have my issues. And it was my choice. It was a really bad one. Would I do it again? I honestly don’t know. But if I hadn’t? If I hadn’t decided to stand in the gap, how much worse would it have been for others? I’d like to think it would have been far worse. Maybe it wouldn’t have been. But people like that don’t care. They are only out for themselves, and what feels good. Do I regret ending that threat? Not at all.”

Mira

Bethany just shook her head, “If I didn’t trust the people in my dept they wouldn’t be here. As for the rest of the crew....well that was the CO’s call. But for the most part, yeah I trust them. Even if I didn’t I would still be here because I get what Blue and Piklesimer are trying to do. They are good people and Calloway, she needs the backup. Even if she doesn’t like it.”

“Yeah we all have issues, but we gotta decide if we can move past them. Really move past them. And it’s too late to decide, now we have to because we are out here. My mentor told me once, ‘We are all broken at some point. But the great thing about being broken is you get to decide how you rebuild yourself. It’s not luck or nurture or someone else. You get to decide. So we get to rebuild now and again with this is over. I know who I want to be in the end. No one else gets to decide that.”

Bethany

Miranda thought about it for a moment and sighed. “Maybe I need to hop the fence then,” she muttered. In all honesty, what she really wanted to do was take the fight to them. Not sit around waiting. Not be stuck down by the engines, where all she could do was damage control. She hated defense.

Focus on the outcome you want, rather than what you don’t. The subconscious doesn’t know the difference. Good orders. Bad orders. Doesn’t matter. Focus on what you want. See the obstacles but then how you’re going to beat them. Visualize doing it, feeling it. Every detail.

Gadi was right.

“I’m not sure how to move past mine. It’s not like I can just decide they don’t matter. Or rather, I can try but that doesn’t make that decision true. But I suppose that’s part of why I’m here, and what I’m doing. I can’t ignore it. But maybe I can do something about it for others.” She shrugged one shoulder, shifting a little

Mira

“It’s not about ignoring it. It’s about choosing how you use it. It will hurt, it will creep up on you, it will try to drag you down, but you are stronger than it is. You were stronger then and you are now.” Bethany waved at the destroyed sheet. “Know what that tells me? Your instincts are good, you are a fighter and a survivor. And” she grinned, “I don’t want to sneak up on you in your sleep.”

Bethany

Miranda broke into a grin then. “Eh, they had it comin’.” Big deep breath. “And I know. Doesn’t stop the gnawing anxiety demon gnawing on my guts.” She paused for a moment, fixing Bethany in her gaze. “Or stop me from worrying about the people I care about. Especially those.” She winced a little. “And I know worrying about crap that’s already happened… and probably won’t happen again is a waste of time and energy. I just wish I knew how to shut that off. It’s freaking exhausting.” Idly she leaned over, leaning against Bethany for a moment.

Mira

Bethany gave her a tight hug. “No it won’t stop you from worrying about it or others or from it gnawing your gut. Remember though, you got through it, survived and came out stronger.” She glanced around. “Ice cream or cake?”

Bethany

Miranda returned the hug just as tightly, loathe to let go. “Depends on what the purpose is. But I’m a fan of both.” Truth was, she wasn’t sure she was stronger or not. Though in some ways she felt like it. Others, perhaps not as much. Or maybe things were just different. For a moment her arms tightened, just holding on and drawing in as much strength as she could, but sending it back too.

Mira

Bethany hugged for as long as she needed. Sometimes when you were in the dark the only thing that got you through was knowing you weren’t alone. “Well I think we can manage both. When I wake up like that, it always leaves my nerves shaking and I feel like I haven’t eaten in days. So I indulge a bit: cake or ice cream, but we can do both. Come on, or would you like me to bring it here?”

Bethany

“Might as well make it a trip. I can take some of this back and feed it into the replicator for cleanup,” she said, then scooted forward. Quickly she pulled on a set of form hugging shorts and a pair of comfortable, very broken-in shoes. Immediately after she pulled her hair into a messy ponytail and then with quick, economical movements began stacking dishes onto trays. Once she had them gathered up, she picked it up and headed for the door. “Lead on. Unless you wanna ‘stay in’?”

Mira

Bethany lifted a shoulder, “Trip is good.” She didn’t really have a preference, but getting out of the dim room, torn sheets, and scent of fear would be good. She helped stack the dishes and carried a tray with her and down the corridor to the mess. It was mostly empty at this time of night. She dropped her tray at the reclimator and then headed over to the replicator. Three layer warm chocolate cake and vanilla bean ice cream for herself. “What ya want?”

Bethany