Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in While the Cat’s Away…

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Bethany Kovra Gadi (Chief of Security) in While the Cat’s Away…

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in While the Cat’s Away…

(snip)

Fingertips drawing circles on her glass, Shara nodded. She wasn’t going to discount Bethany’s fear, nor would she say everything would be fine. Because it might not be. She poured more into Gadi’s glass. “So, here’s the deal. Elias Balthazar is a piece of work. These people we are going after are the same. I get it. I don’t trust him either. And the thing about people like Balthazar is that they are loyal only to themselves. He wouldn’t have been brought into the picture unless he had something to offer us that would allow us to accomplish our mission. It sucks but that is the reality.”

Bethany swallowed the refill almost in one, but it was like at the last minute she decided to exercise control. “I get why they put him to help us, and I have NO doubt his help, tricks, pointers will make a difference. It’s the price that worries me.” She shook her head and then did finish the glass. “I admit when he died I actually prayed thanks to every god I had ever heard of that I would never have to deal with him again. It’s more than him though. So much is just wrong. I feel like I should be elsewhere, my duty lies elsewhere…” Bethany shook her head.

Shara dipped her head to find and hold Bethany’s gaze. “Be cautious about him yes, but right now you’re on the defensive and giving him all the control. Take it back. Know that we’re in this together and if it’ll make you feel better, if he betrays us, I’ll be the first to willingly put a hole in his head, and since you did that before, just imagine how effective both of us will be!” She downed the rest of her glass and gave Bethany a wink.

Commander Calloway, CIO

Bethany grinned, “Oh that would be scary.” But Bethany knew how Elias controlled everything. She couldn’t take back what she never had. Believing she had any control was what got so many on their team dead. She wished she could contact T’Jal. She could really use Casela right now. But that would never happen again. “You ever get over the ones you lost?”

Gadi, CoS

“Okay, so it’s time for Elder Calloway to lend some hard-earned wisdom,” Shara said, refilling her glass.

“No, you never do. But it can gradually hurt less and less. The how of it depends on how you go about it. For me, I’ve experienced a lot of loss, Bethy. My mother died when I was twelve, I fled my home to protect myself, I gave up a baby, and in our third year in the Delta Quadrant, after finally making contact with the Alpha Quadrant us former Maquis learned that everyone we had loved and fought with was dead. For me, that meant my husband, my second-born daughter, my best friends, my neighbours. My entire community razed to the ground with no mercy. We were all devastated, but I couldn’t make sense of it. It made no sense! So I clung to this belief that it was wrong, we were mistaken. And I went about my days with this hope.”

“Three weeks later it just… hit me. I was in the mess hall and I had grabbed dinner, tray in my hand. I just stopped feeling. The tray fell out of my hands and I slid against the wall. Everything after that is muddled- I was having an acute stress response. I remember coming to in Sickbay, having been out of it for days. My shipmates took turns sitting with me apparently. But after I was aware, all I felt was this emptiness and nothing could make it better, nothing could fill it.

“But the thing about time and life is that the longer you live, and the more experiences you have, the more the edges start to get filed off the pain. I miss Edward ever single day of my life. I miss the way his eyes crinkled when he grinned and the cheesy poetry he loved. But I had to let him go at some point. Letting him haunt my life wasn’t helping me. Faye is an entirely different story all her own. But, Bethany, I’m sixty-five. I’ve got a lot more years on you so I can say, having lived the life I have had, it gets better. Bit by bit.” She chuckled. “I mean, look at me now. No more hiding behind the excuse of covert missions. I’m married to a guy I never saw coming and who makes me want to let go of all my burdens. And most of of all, I have not one but two beautiful and smart daughters I am proud to be a mama to. Could I have known that this was all coming back when I was forty-two and grieving the loss of everything I had loved and fought for?” She shook her head. “Not a chance. And I can’t predict what life will have in store for you, but whether it’s right around the corner or you need more time, there are good things out there. They are possible. But a part of you has to decide you’re ready for them first. Otherwise you’ll miss them or push them away when they show up.” And to punctuate her advice, she tipped back some of the rum.

Commander Calloway, CIO

Bethany refilled her glass and sipped slowly this time, thinking about it. “I don’t know, I never really thought about after. I was too busy following what I knew I should be doing. But before it was just me, or a small team, not an entire crew, that is totally unprepared for what we are going to do, offering up everything for a mission that will only repeat when the hydra respawns more heads. I feel like we are fighting a loosing battle. Like what we do will never be enough. We shut one down and another pops up to take their place. I pray they see it the same way. No matter how many of us they get rid of more take our place.” She tossed back a measure of the rum and then watched it swirl in the glass. “And I know, we do what we’ve always done, and I will. I just hate taking those I’m supposed to protect, into it with me.”

Gadi, CoS