Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Gadi’s Quarters

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Bethany Kovra Gadi (Chief of Security) in Gadi’s Quarters

Posted by Commander Shara Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Gadi’s Quarters

(snip)

Did she look skeptical? Probably. But it wasn’t Gadi’s fault that Shara couldn’t trust her intentions just now. Things were too volatile and she couldn’t let too much slip out of her control here or else everything would come tumbling down. As it was, she was being careless with details, even if she had mentally decided a select few people could know about her and Micah so that they were aware of the conflict of interest should it be an issue. “If I need another option, I’ll be sure to let you know. But they said they had taken it into consideration and I have to trust they will do the right thing.” But shy couldn’t she? Why did she doubt it just now? They all had each other’s backs on the Manhattan, why couldn’t she believe that now.

Because she was expendable. They all were.

And Shara no longer wanted to be. Rising out of her chair, she sipped on her coffee and paced the small room. “For nineteen years I’ve been the perfect officer, agent. I’m unconventional as hell, but I always did my job without complaint unless I needed to call out some BS. For nineteen years I had no attachments, and the one time I let myself I made the mistake of thinking I could have what my late husband and I had with someone else. And so I let him go and doubled-down on my work. In nineteen years I’ve refused a couple assignments but never once did I ask anything of them.” She turned to face Gadi, rage etched into her features. “This is the first time in all these years I’ve ever asked for anything. And I’m now once again in an impossible position and… ” She shook her head, words failing her. Her grey-blue gaze found a bare spot on the wall and Shara just felt… lost.

But she exhaled and found words. “I’m not worried about dying. Sure, I got a lot of life left in me but I don’t fear death. But I’m afraid Bethy. I’m afraid for my mind. I already am on the edge and trying to find my way through, but the path just got a lot more cluttered and a lot more dangerous. Sure, I could come out of this alive, but what if I’m lost? I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this knowing those that love me might not get the woman back they love.”

Commander Calloway, CIO

Bethany didn’t know how to help. They led similar lives, but whereas Bethany was more in the middle of hers, Shara had come out the other side and was supposed to be done with this life. “I wish I had the experience so I could tell you how to protect your mind, your heart, from the events and stressors that will no doubt unfold. There is no one answer. But what is lost can always be found, Shara, and a cluttered path can be navigated safely if you slow down and manage one obstacle at a time. I suppose if I was a telepath of any merit I would promise you to reach into the dark and pull you out in a quite literal way. All I can do though is tell you that you are welcome to come through that adjoining door any time. Among my skill sets are knowing how to keep my mouth shut, forgetting secrets as soon as I hear them, and being a rather d@^% good counselor to boot, which means I’m great at listening.” It would be so easy to look at Shara and tell her she could choose to stay behind, to not undergo this particular mission, but they both knew that, that wasn’t an option.

“I’ve not always been good at talking,” Shara said wryly.

Shara had mentioned her husband, and Bethany could take an educated guess who it was, but wouldn’t take it as fact. Her husband could be on the ship or someone higher up the chain in charge. The senior staff wasn’t exactly informed about who was pulling the strings. “My only crackpot piece of advice is to make sure you talk to someone who knows the you you are afraid of loosing, so that you can remember who and what you are going home for.”

Gadi, CoS

Her heart sank. But of course. It made sense, but as Shara ceased her pacing and retook her seat, she sighed. It wasn’t just Faye anymore- though having been through trauma of losing her mother once already, she knew that even a brief disappearance would be devastating. But she also thought of Nadine, who was just getting to know them all, and whom Shara hadn’t told anyone about officially either. Not that someone in Intelligence didn’t know. Her file had been flagged when Nadine was searching for her. But whomever it was that knew hadn’t said zip all these years so she figured it was a non-issue.

And of course there was Micah. Sipping on her coffee, she held the tumbler tightly. It was hard to admit aloud, but she knew she had to or else it would eat at her. “I’m telling you this in confidence. The Captain and XO both know, but only just found out when he showed up. But Agent Pikelsimer is my husband, Bethy, and we only just got married. The person who knows me best is already on this ship and he’s the one who tossed this into my lap without any warning. And in our lines of work, that’s normal. But this is not a normal situation.”

Commander Calloway, CIO

Bethany watched her pace back and forth and then sit down again. Bethany was quiet while Shara contemplated whatever thoughts had her attention at the moment. She listened quietly while Calloway talked and then before considering an answer, “From your mouth to my ears only. I promise.” Then she was quiet giving though to what she had been told. It was a situation that Bethany had absolutely no experience with. “I guess the first thing you have to decide is if you feel like he told you as soon as he possibly could. Withholding information is part of the job, but as you said there is nothing normal about this. You both need to find where the line is between where the job ends and where your marriage takes precedence. Of course I have absolutely no experience that comes close to this, so high probability I am totally wrong.”

Bethy took a deep sip off her mug. “I’m going to tell you something, and maybe it helps and maybe it doesn’t. My mentor and her husband and her best friend served on the same ship together for many years. During their tenure her husband, Jake, died 5 times. Well was presumed dead. Jake told me it got to the point where each new mission just put more and more strain on both of them.”

“Now what you have to understand about my mentor, she’s half Vulcan, but she was raised human so none of that pure emotionless logic there. Now Jake is one of the most emotional men I’ve ever met, but he always deals with it head on. So he’d try to talk to her, hash it out, and well, she’d spent too many years doing the work we do, and keeping it to herself, so she’d get more and more logical. And that just drove Jake crazy, he couldn’t stand it. Till one day he’d just had enough.”

“The idea of putting her though that again, putting them both through it was just too much, and there she is all calm and logical. He said he kind of snapped and started yelling and screaming at her. He said she looked at him, blinked, and then started screaming back. He said some of the things they said were absurd, irrelevant, childish, even comical but needed to be said because that’s how they felt. He said after that, each new mission they’d have a screaming match, get it all out. Then they were able to decide how to do their duty to Star Fleet and the Federation, but more importantly how they were going to help each other get back.”

“I’m not saying, Shara, that you and your husband need to have a shouting match, but you need to get it all out, ever last drop of every thought and emotion your having, so you can see it, deal with it, and then make a plan. And sometimes just straight talking isn’t the best way to get all that out.”

Gadi, CoS