ooc: This takes place after V’alura’s promotion and before the start of the next sim. Mood music because I’m ~extra~

icc:
V’alura stood at the center of holosuite 4, her arms folded across her stomach, and gaze locked on the floor. Dressed in her science blues, her ensign pip upon her collar. There was another pip waiting to go beside it. It rested in its box in her room. Her JO room that was no longer hers.

For several minutes she did nothing, said nothing. What she did, was think. Long, rolling thoughts the size of hills. They were once little thought pebbles. Small little thoughts that gained mass as they gained momentum. Rolling on and on until V’alura had to get up and do something. That’s how she came to the empty holosuite. There was a reason, why she came here, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to enact that plan. Not until the thoughts in her head got so loud and large that she could no longer ignore them.

“Computer,” V’alura said, so quiet she could hardly hear herself, even in this small room. The computer heard her, however, “Replicate the main science lab from the holo-series Endless Black. The one from season three.” And the computer did. Now she stood within the fictional science lab aboard the the fictional ship the U.S.S Infinitas. Off to her right, a large dark red crystal sat upon a metal table, several workstations clustered around it. Near-by terminals displayed various analysis’ of the crystal’s unusual structure and composition. The crystal was found in a collapsing temple at the start of the season. The crew decided to rescue the crystal from the destruction to study its strange properties. They didn’t know it then, but the crystal was an alien computer that contained an advanced, semi-organic super-intelligence. The crystal caused many strange mysteries aboard the Infinitas throughout season three, undetected until the season finale.

That was a fun season to film. Season three had a special place in V’alura’s heart. Not only did she act in her role as Chief Science Officer, Lieutenant T’Sari, but she was also the main science consultant for the season. Advising the writers on various computer theory, and how to best write an artificial intelligence. Yes, season three was a special one for V’alura. Full of good memories. And yet, V’alura frowned as she looked around the empty science lab. It seems no matter where she placed herself, the ugly always found a way to her thoughts.

Even the good memories were tainted by all the ugly. Like the overhead light refracted through dark red crystal, casting ominous red splotches upon the surfaces around and below it.

“Computer. . . display Lt. T’Sari at science station alpha. Still image only.” The computer did as told. V’alura’s heart ached at the sight of the Vulcan Lt. For the role, V’alura wore black contact lenses and a black wig with short-cropped hair. But V’alura was there, recognizable in the shape of the lieutenant’s face, the form of her nose and lips. In the build of her body. Her eyes prickled, but no tears formed in the corners. All those ugly emotions she kept locked up deep in her mind palace threatened to spill out like black tar. “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me,” V’alura said to the still image of T’Sari. To her ears, she sounded pretty pathetic. “I pretended to be a chief science officer for seven years. And now I am one. And I don’t know if I can do it.”

T’Sari never doubted herself. She was calm and logical, like a true Vulcan. “I’m a screw-up.” V’alura said, “When things got hard. . . when the writers- when the set- when the producers-” Her mouth shut with a snap of teeth. Her hands clenched into tight fists at her side. “I’m not like you. I never could be you, no matter how much I wanted to be you.” T’Sari was different from all the other Vulcan roles V’alura ever portrayed. T’Sari was given to her, to mold and develop as V’alura saw fit. The writers working with her and her fellow actors to portray the characters as accurately as possible. As realistically as possible. V’alura put so much of herself into T’Sari. Too much of herself.

So much of herself that it felt like a knife to her heart. Those final three seasons. Everything V’alura built. Everything she put into T’Sari. And it all came to ruin! They took her. THEY KI-

“Computer terminate the program,” V’alura said, her voice breaking on half-formed sobs. She fell into a crouch, her face buried in her hands which trembled slightly. The thoughts were too loud. Too big. She sucked in long, deep breathes. Repeated meditation chants mentally until she could push her feelings far back into her mind palace. Until she could lock all that ugliness back into the room she built for it. Until she could slam that door closed and lock it tight. Take every key and throw them away.

Until those emotions could hurt her no more.

After several long minutes, she stood, and left the holosuite with long, even strides. She did not stop until she reached the safety of her room. There, V’alura stared at the box containing her new pip for several minutes. Then, silently, opened the box and added the pip to her collar.

She was a screw-up. A runaway. But she had to try.

Lt. Jg. V’alura Belmont