Fresh from their entertainment at the STF Awards, Audrey IV and her pods are dreaming of a better meal than the bugs that are standard fare.

“If I Ate a Yeoman”
(To the tune of “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof)
(The stage is bathed by a deep, dramatic purple light. Audrey IV is illuminated by a single, sharp spotlight. She looks down at a replicated bowl of nutrient paste with utter disdain, kicking it away with a lower vine.)

AUDREY IV (Spoken, sighing heavily)
“Nutrient paste. Again. A stray tribble if I’m lucky, or a Tarkalean fruit fly if the cargo bay doors are left open. Is it a crime to want a little luxury? To dream of something… meatier? Someone carrying a PADD and a fresh cup of raktajino?”

(A slow, rhythmic, heavy bassline starts. Audrey IV begins to sway, her jaws clicking rhythmically to the beat. The Pods pop up as her backup chorus, snapping their jaws in time.)

AUDREY IV
If I ate a yeoman,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum!
All day long I’d chew and crunch and hum,
If I ate a Starfleet yeoman!

I wouldn’t have to eat bugs,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum!
If I were a biddy-biddy-fed,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle plant!

(The tempo picks up. Audrey IV flourishes her leaves theatrically, working the stage.)

AUDREY IV
I’d lure a nameless ensign right into the middle of Deck Four,
With a freshly replicated cup of tea,
And a really sweet scent right below their human nose!
There would be one loud SNAP! echoing right down the corridor,
While my Alpha Pod is munching on their knee,
And we wouldn’t have to eat the cargo stows!

THE PODS
Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew!

AUDREY IV
I’d see my little pods, my Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and my Delta,
Looking like a squad of hungry wolves,
Snapping at the Ensigns as they’re walking by!
“Pardon me, Crewman, could you step a little closer to the flora?”
Gulping down the mustard shirts from the fleet…
Oh, a Starfleet yeoman makes a lovely treat!

THE PODS
A lovely, lovely treat!

AUDREY IV
If I ate a yeoman,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum!
All day long I’d chew and crunch and hum,
If I ate a Starfleet yeoman!

(The music slows down into a dramatic, sweeping, klezmer-style bridge. Audrey IV gazes upward, completely lost in her culinary fantasy.)

AUDREY IV

The most important men in Starfleet would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them on the Borg…
“Oh, Audrey IV, what should we do about this sphere?
Should we raise the shields or should we try to hail?”
And it won’t make one bit of diff’rence if I answer right or wrong.
When you’ve just digested a yeoman… you’re always right!

(The tempo skyrockets for the grand finale. The Pods are dancing wildly around her terracotta pot.)

AUDREY IV
If I ate a yeoman,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum!
All day long I’d biddy-biddy-bum,
If I were a wealthy, well-fed,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle pla-a-a-a-a-a-ant!
(She snaps her massive jaws shut with a resounding THWACK on the final note. The orchestra hits a massive chord, and the Pods all bow deeply. Blackout.)