Posted by Lieutenant Commander Hilo (Counselor) in CNS Office: Cadet Riley Psychological Evaluation

Posted by Cadet Matthew Riley (Scientist) in CNS Office: Cadet Riley Psychological Evaluation

<snip>

Matthew smiled at the man’s enthusiasm about the flower he had chosen, then laughed internally as he walked to the love seat, realizing the whole thing was probably meant to help him feel at ease. He’s very good at his job then, he thought.

He pondered the first question as he sat. It did seem a little incongruous, at first glance, and no one else had asked him that. “That might be a long answer,” he said, leaning back. He folded his arms and stared at a spot near the ceiling. “I’ve wanted to join Starfleet for as long as I could remember.” He felt the weight of the medallion in his pocket, unnoticeable until then.

“But I…” And now he looked to a wall. “I didn’t think I had what it took to be what I thought of as a Starfleet officer.” His eyes shifted to the counselor. “You know, the ones we see in the news vids, we learn about in the history books. The brave captains…” He shook his head, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “That’s not me. But my parents did encourage me to go to university - ‘You’re too smart to waste that brain, son’ my dad would say,” he intoned in a deep impression.

“And I found I loved science. I mean, I’d enjoyed it in school before but I fell in love.” He grinned and his eyes shone. “Everything just made sense. I couldn’t get enough. I went to Cambridge for astrophysics, and then to Alpha Centauri for subspace physics…” His grin faded. “Then I wondered what I was going to do with this. I could teach,” he continued, sitting back again, one arm on the loveseat arm, and crossed an ankle over his knee. “But that just felt… empty.” He looked to the ceiling again.

“So I applied to Starfleet.” He shrugged. “That dream had never really left, and filling out that application I felt like I was eight years old again,” he laughed. “I had two doctorates and here I was applying for a new undergrad degree.” He shook his head at the memory, remembering his advisor’s face the first time they had a meeting. “They recommended I major in astrophysics, it would be easier for me, but that didn’t feel right.” He looked at the counselor. “Starfleet’s not supposed to be easy, right? I couldn’t be a great captain, but I could do something, and I could make sure I didn’t take the easy way out.”

He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward again. “So I majored in exobiology to add something else I could bring to the table for Starfleet. If I was going to do this, I was going to do this.”

• Cadet Riley, Science

Hilo nodded in approval and grinned, infected by Riley’s enthusiasm. “A practical approach indeed! Starfleet is never easy, no matter how much experience you have before you join. I think it takes a special kind of person to purposefully make the academy more difficult for themselves… but, your range of knowledge will be an asset both to this crew and whatever main fleet ship you are placed on after your tenure here. It sounds like you’ve prepared yourself well.”

The counselor paused. “I am curious as to why you think being a ‘brave captain’ is ‘not you’. There are plenty of science officers who become captains, and research vessels are some of the most important ships in Starfleet. Exploration is an integral part of our mission, after all.”

(Lt. Cmdr. Hilo, Counselor)

Matthew snorted a brief laugh. “There’s a huge difference between performing active research, even leading a research team, and leading a starship.” He shook his head and leaned back into the loveseat.

“For starters, the road there is difficult for someone with executive function disorder,” he gestured at the counselor’s nearby PADD, assuming his file would be on it. “Even with a seratonin stimulator.” He paused and shrugged.

“The… the Pikes, Garretts, and Sulus of the world, of the galaxy - they’re made of something different than the rest of us.” He stared off into space for a moment and chuckled softly, a sound both rueful and longing. “I know myself, counselor, and I know my limitations.” He looked back into the counselor’s eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong, I will be the best science officer I can be; I’m going to give it my all; but inherently, I will never be a captain.”

He shrugged again and smiled. “It is what it is. I’m not upset about it.”