Posted by Cadet Jak’Rash (Doctor) in Does Gagh Go On Pizza?
(OOC: A character development post, part background, part humor. Hopefully you get a chuckle. Please lmk if anyone has any tips or if I’m doing this wrong.)

Jak’rosh entered his quarters hurriedly. He’d been on shift for eleven hours and given the status of the project when he’d left earlier the day before, it may be ready. He rushed over to the tiny heat lamp and the plant it was under. The Kaelon produced a small tool and measured the fruit at 13.29 centimeters. The white skin of the pepper pulsated lightly, and Jak’rosh held it up to the light to see its opacity. The juicy pulp flowed slowly through the crop, and the only green left was on the stem. The tool beeped again and read a PH level of 7.13. He was no gardener, but this was as close to a perfect specimen that could be produced this far from the Kaelon II soils.
The doctor trimmed it from it’s plant with a laser scalpel, and it fell softly into his waiting hand. He took the pepper over to his quarter’s replicator. “Computer, save pattern sample ‘Kaelonian Chili Pepper, Ezekiel strand’. The replicator’s lights came alive as it scanned the product and saved it’s chemical makeup.
‘pattern saved…’ the mechanical voice beeped.
A smile came across Jak’Rosh’s lips. He’d been waiting for this moment. “Computer, create new dietary product: Pizza Diablo. 1 round sourdough crust, 10 grams extra virgin olive oil, 3 grams garlic, 40 grams tomato basil marinara, 50 grams live gagh, 25 grams Ezekiel Strand Kaelonian Chili pepper- diced…”
The computer interrupted Jak’rosh. “The heat of this dietary product exceeds recommended limit.”
Jak’rosh raised an eyebrow. “Override.”
‘Access code required for override’
Jak’rosh’s voice picked up an annoyed tone “Jak’rosh alpha-seven-epsilon-four-two”
The computer gave a compliant beep.
“As I was saying, 25 grams of Ezekiel Strand Kaelonian Chili pepper-diced, 75 grams Kaelonian Deer Cheese…”
The computer buzzed interrupting the order “This product is not recognized.”
Surely someone on this ship had eaten Kaelonian Deer Cheese. Jak’rosh raised his voice “Substitute Kaelonian Goat Cheese.”
BUZZ! ‘This product is not recognized.’
“Substitute Mozzarella!”
BUZZ! ‘Please specify portion of substituted product’
Jak’rosh took a deep breath and tried to sound as calm as possible. “75 grams of Mozzarella… please”
BUZZ! ‘This recipe exceeds the dietary recommendation for amount of saturated fat in a single meal.’
Jak’Rosh blinked slowly “Override.”
BUZZ ‘Access code required for override’
He was no longer trying to hide the frustration in his voice “Jak’rosh alpha-seven-epsilon-four-two”
BUZZ ‘This access code has already been used to override one dietary recommendation in this recipe, security or command level access required to override multiple recommendations on a single recipe. Would you like a non-fat cheese substitute’
Jak’rosh dropped his head defeated. A replicated non-fat cheese? Why not just eat chalk?
“Delete recipe” he whimpered.
The computer beeped affirmatively. The doctor contemplated for a moment, then decided something sweet would be acceptable.
“Computer, Create new dietary product, Hot and Sweet Sundae. 250 grams vanilla ice cream, 10 grams chocolate sauce, 25 grams sliced strawberries, 25 grams Ezekiel Strand Kaelonian Chili pepper- diced…”
BUZZ ‘The heat of this dietary product exceeds recommended limit.’
“OVERRIDE!”
‘Access code required for override’
Jak’rosh stared at the replicator and recited each character in his override access code slowly and enunciated perfectly, nearly pleading to the mechanical voice.
The computer gave a beep of approval and the Kaelon continued his recipe.
“As I said, 25 grams Ezekiel Strand Kaelonian Chili pepper- diced, 25 grams Georgia Peach nectar, 10 grams Ethiopian ground cocoa,”
BUZZ ‘The sugar content exceeds dietary recommendation.’
“For the love of all that is sacred… OVERRIDE! Jak’rosh alpha-seven-epsilon-four-two!!” The doctor was now screaming at his replicator.
BUZZ ‘This access code has already been used to override one dietary recommendation in this recipe, security or command level access required to override multiple recommendations on a single recipe. Would you like a sugar-free chocolate substitute’
“NOW LISTEN HERE YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF CIRCUITS!”
The doctor’s door chime caught his attention.
“COME IN!” he barked.
It was a security officer, a Tellarite female.
“Is everything okay doctor? I was patrolling and heard quite a ruckus”
Jak’rosh shook his head and lowered his voice, mildly embarrassed.
“I’m sorry for the trouble. Everything is fine. I was just having some problems with my replicator.”
The security officer looked at Jak’Rosh suspiciously “Wouldn’t it be easier to report it to engineering than yell at it? Nobody loves a good argument more than I do, but surely you don’t think you can win a debate with a machine”
This made the doctor smile. “No, I suppose not. Thank you for your vigilance, crewman.” Jak’Rosh turned his back to return to his quarters when he heard the officer’s voice.
“Not so fast, procedures dictate that I investigate and make sure there is nobody in your quarters in danger.”
Jak’Rosh held his palms up as if to show he had nothing to hide and simultaneously welcome the security patrol in.
After about two minutes, of searching, the Security crewman didn’t find anything.
“Computer,” the Tellarite bellowed “Scan these quarters for life forms, Security Authorization Jinra, Delta-nine-zero-Echo-five.”
Jak’Rosh’s eyes lit up.
“Crewman, I admittedly don’t have an eye for tellarites, but you may be one of the prettiest I’ve seen.”
The security officer paused, “What?!”
“I mean you are very attractive.”
“Ha!” the officer giggled, snorting slightly in her laughter “Surely you don’t find Tellarites aesthetically pleasing?”
“Not most, no…” Jak’Rosh started, “But you, you are something different…. I’ve never seen a snout so perfectly symmetrical. Certainly you must’ve been surgically altered…”
The Tellarite squealed with laughter.
Jak’Rosh locked eyes with her and smiled brightly “Do you have plans for dinner?”
“No, but I’m off in a couple of hours,” The Tellarite grinned.
“So,” Jak’Rosh began, “Have you ever had Pizza Diablo??”

Cadet Jak’Rash, Doctor

OOC: now that was funny, and a good read! Nice job!